love casualty

i loved him with an admiration that made me feel incomplete yet never wanting to let go for i knew i was complete with him. i loved him with a fierce embrace that made me feel strong and wise and maternal. i loved him with a desperation that made me feel helpless, fragile and under his control. i loved him...


i never asked for too much. i only needed him to carry my pain just because it was too much for me to bear. i only needed him to hear my pleas, those silent screams of desperation, just because i wanted to keep our boat afloat. i only needed him to let down his guard just because i can't contain my own anymore. i needed him to be strong enough not to let me go. i needed him to grow-up, to be a man... even for the least chances. but for the least of all chances, he left me hanging. he wasn't there. he never was.

i loved him. and he loved me... but only less. period.


this could have been posted several months ago but i haven't really had the courage to publicly announce what should be kept private. or so i thought. but duh!! as if the total world population reads my blog.
haha.

no fuss, i never finished writing this anyway. needless to say, the bastard wouldn't care.


i am totally aware that i should have opted the choice of not posting this. but why suppress the only thing that could free me?ü

prologue

A woman once said that a man is like a deck of playing cards….

You need:

A heart to love him

A diamond to marry him

A club to smash his fucking head in

A spade to bury the bastard

come back to me, my creative muse

the incessant desire to write is

incessantly sucked by these manipulative

hands before it escapes from the mind

resulting to a miscarriage of words...

*mental foreplayer*

these violent delights have violent ends

~friar on Romeo and Juliet

A to Z of life

A - available / single?
very mutz single.

B - best friend?
nah, lots'f dem.

C - cake or pie?
cake.

D - drink of choice
hmmm.. tequila. vodka. frozen margaritas. nd water which equates itself with beer. lol

E - essential item u use everyday?
they wouldn't fit in here.

F - favorite color?
as long as they do the matching.

G - gummy bears of worms?
bears!! bears!! at least they dont rip my head off when i do that thing to them. haha

H - hometown?
cebu

I - Indulgence?
sweets. that refers to food nd 'watever' sweets. haha

J - January or February?
jan's for mourning... so feb's the 'happy' month...

K - kids & their names?
wai plano2x ui. haha

L - life is incomplete without?
loko2x nd fab friends.

M - marriage date?
dec 08, 20-whenever.

N - number of siblings?
two.

O - orange or apple?
apple whoring, any1?

P - phobias / fears?
dogs nd roaches. plain ewwness.

Q - favorite quote?
"why put on a raincoat when you're already wet?"

R - reason to smile?
love. but hurts deep within.

S - season?
Winter and summer!!!

T - tag 4 to 5 People?
gil! mumi! charly! orlee! jaan!

U - unknown fact about me?
i love you. ;>

V - vegetable U don’t like?
okra. ampalaya.

W - worst habit?
wen nervous... i bite my nails

wen uneasy... i straighten things, ask dumb questions, and even malfunction my words!

X - X-ray you’ve had?
yah, for dt colej applicaxn..

Y - your favorite food?
sweet nd sour stuffies..

Z - zodiac sign?
scorpio. so stingy!!

bewaaaaare.

a night with 5 souls

january 19, 2006

in the company of :

mr. martin 'yuchee' s. yutiu

mr/s. charles dominic 'charly' y. villano

ms. tess marie 'mommi' p. tan

mr. orlando 'orlee' a. agustin III

boring.
kapoi.
laay.
wish-i-could-have-stayed-at-home feeling.
these were exact ironies that night.

damn.
events you simply can't put to words?
believe me, they exist.

**photo by deviantArtist qulam**


ü

I.T. Park by ~qulam on deviantART

collisions of the heart

im stashin' emo pix lately.

im sooo digging them.

i can hardly believe it.

sweet.
sensible.

how i love emo!!!!! (good news, gil!) lol


*tears are perfect disguises of battered hearts.

**the heart is the only broken thing that still works.

*** "teddies don't hug you back but sometimes they're the only ones you've got" ***

..i hate teddies..

he said. she said.

girl:
i broke up with him today. i told him i wasn't happy. he didn't even ask why. i thought he would ask me to stay, but he didn't. he just let me go. just like that, i lost the guy i waited for so long... and the only reason why my heart still beats died within me.


guy:
she broke up with me today. she said she wasn't happy. i was too hurt to ask why. i wanted to stop her from leaving...but if she's not happy with me, there's no way i can make her stay. so i just let her go. and just like that, i lost the girl i've been dreaming for so long. and i can't find more reasons why this damned heart shouldn't stop beating.

my p.c's busted.

hu.hu.hu.

cant update every single day.

i mourn for saturday.

ironies.

the person u love is the most powerful person you'll ever know

he can tear your world apart,

pound your heart into a pulp and

dehydrate the tears from your eyes

but

just a word from him is enough to put your world

back together again

......................

sometimes we believe

that life has to move on

we reminisce about the past

but realize that good things never last

but someway... somehow

we silently wish

to hold on

to the one

we once had...

.......................

i wonder how i can easily

fool other people

by hiding behind a smile

and

telling them i feel fine

when each night

i cry myself to sleep

wishing i was good enough

to fool even myself

......................

i never really wanted to let him go

but he wanted to be free

i wanted to stay but he wanted me to go

i never gave up

til he told me

that all the time

i was loving him

he was wishing me gone..

.......................

ever had the feeling?

you attempt and fight so hard

to take someone off your mind

and

off your life

but each time you are thinking how to forget

you keep on fallin' much more

........................

you know what loneliness means?

it's when you go to sleep at night

without anyone to say

'i love you'

and

when you wake up

you open your eyes

only to realize that nothin's changed

you're still alone...

......................

F.R.I.E.N.D.S: my ultimate antidotes for cupid's attack

part1

aligning the planets in such a fashion can never make me quit my friends.


Y MOMMI Y
**she's excellent at bein one (i could give her an ulirang ina award)

**the 'buhakhak' laughter + heavy drama = perfect insanity.

**actually, i could only reach the mistress thru her sanctuary... her blog.

**we may be at other ends but the fact that i have a mommi who's f.a.t is comforting...

**mind you, she's only 16. teenage mom at her best.

Y ORLEE Y

**he's starbucks' ever first callboy

** nd im the 1st hooker. lol

**patiently handles the emotional yoyo that i am...

**cant stand heavy drama, though

**but could still manage to call me up at like 1am for shittingly urgent matters...

**was on the other end of the line when cupid made me his personal joke. or shall i say, his entire comedic routine.

**listened when all i could utter were "huhuhu's" and "at*i kaau xa.."

Y EM and NAM Y

**you were there thru it all. i guess i have thanked you enuf.ü

**nam> thank u for being my YM refuge. miss you so..

Y JAAN Y

** she's my double dose of optimism

** carries the torch of hope. (while i carry that of despair.. )

**but hers is more contagious. infectious, even.

Y GILEA Y

**reminds me that love isn't the only thing the world revolves upon

**there's music. there's MCR. the fact that ray likes to kill gerard. our secretary rituals.

**and yah, there's chicosci -- the band we love to hate. hahaha

Y DIT2 Y

**you proved yourself to be more courageous than i am

(gurl u so have the guts!)

**ur just 1 ride away from my place rbuh, m.shock lang niya kag kalit. bantai2!

**u see right thru me nd i love you for it.

Y CHARLES Y

**and for the first time you weren't blaming me for choosing mr.simang. u dfinitely saved me from hell, dude. thanx!

**jan 13-2007' 20:43: it's not wrong to give it all when you love... it's not wrong to love a person so much.. sometimes, the only wrong thing is.. the person we love.. that just struck me..

Y C friends (richa, stella, jv, karen, carmela, mav) Y
**the curses helped a lot!! hahaha.. do some more cursing..

**dun wori.. il slap them to his face the next time. hahaha

**but seriously, thanks for helping me pull it through the many weeks of torment and confusion and sorrow and insensitivity and all those blah blah's i defnitely had drowned myself into.

Y O U A R E T H E P E O P L E B E H I N D M Y S A N I T Y.

if i could only say 'thank you' in different tongues, i will.

but i am no rizal.

AND this is what i know.

thank you.

shishe.

daghang salamat.

maraming salamat.

part 2
i hate bein' friends with truth.
because being and living with it would just leave me bent and broken--

for the worst mold..
vulnerable.
defenseless.
what else?
afraid that i may lose my soul in the process.
living a dead life.

ironically, i guess i'd better stop being such a chicken.

you know, confront reality face to face...

see it as it is...

and deal with all the torture it has to offer me.

all that drill.

and i'd stop being an idiot.


i don't know where i'd be if it weren't for these people...
as charles' would have it... "naa sa daplin sa dan, nabuang sa gugma."
oh fuck cupid.

part 3

"i love you"

these words are buried in communion by the same hearts that conceived and brought them to life.

n LOST... UNDIRECTED n

if YlovingY -Y-O-U- too much

is a sin
then
i'd be
overthrowing
SATAN.


if Whating W -Y-O-U-

is a good deed
then
i'd be
ruling HEAVEN.

now, tell ME, which way should i go?

violated by love.

confused. no, CHAOTIC.

broke. no, INSANE.

clueless. no, CURSED.

screwed. no, TRASHED.

torn. no, S-H-A-T-T-E-R-E-D.

i tried to be the

sweetest girl

for

him

but sad to say

he

is

diabetic.