emo princess

the night is as sweet as the scent you leave in your wake. your gentle and sublime caress will help me get through the night. every grain of sand in the glass torments me like a haunting vision. take a look at me and see the mess i am without you.

-ivern, emo lyricist friend.

* i join him in the cause

of defending the existence

of emo language.

---
i love this.

p.s. to mumi
but not as much as you do.
=D

unforgettable

i hate clutter and organizing my memory-filled drawer is the least thing i would wanna do. but last last night, i gave in to the call. and had my own dose of nostalgia.

a valentine rose from 6th grader fidel marco.
a thorny rose from mark.
a pink one from alpats.
a diary stagnant with details over my first illicit love.
baguio flowers handpicked by magna guy. p
ost-it notes passed during bio class.
torn tickets from unforgettable movies with unforgettable someones.
letter i got from him who was leaving for the states.
pictures which reveal i wasn't really vain. well, not much. yet.

these things paint a mystery i wouldn't choose to unravel. weave secrets i deny even to myself. they define my mess. the waterworks over what should be... but could never be. all the drama i had to spare others. the pride i left decayed.

but still, there are some things i cant tell. an unforgettable date. or night. shared under the same sky over toot and toot. this and that. not because i don't want to but because i choose not to. all backed up by a reason of not wanting that part of my life to end.
not now.
not ever.

perhaps its something close to love.
and perhaps it's something i'm. too. scared. to. say.
but i will.
perhaps.
;)

------
they bind us.

photoshop encounter

*i was too tired to sleep so i experimented with photoshop.
i think it's a great start. ;)

hahai

it's getting worse.
first thing in the morning.
last one at night.
the only thing at dawn.
twistin and turnin.
1
2
3
i count my numbers
and
3
2
1
i count them back

i can close my eyes
i can quit my 123's
but it's you
i can't stop.
it's YOU.

you are not silent.
in fact, you're loud.
just exactly what i need
in my
life.

;)

life's madnesses

i keep a long list of crushes but now, it's all down to nine.
in no random order:

tony parker

okay so, he's the best point guard the san antonio spurs has.
and undeniably one of the greatest in the nba league.
tops people's most beautiful people in 2003.
he's excellent.
he's french.
and he's marrying eva longoria, maxim's top 1 hottest celebrity in 2006.

ugh.
i don't care.
but i totally broke down when i heard their incoming july 7 wedding in paris!!!
and fyi:: monica lhuillier is eva's gown designer!

as i've said, i don't care.
but i can't seem to.
ugh. shit.

colin farel


fuckingly sexy. haha. enough said. ;)

chad michael murray

he may not be totally handsome, but swear to gawd.. chad's as hot as inferno. oh no no no. im taking my words back. he's way hotter. his puppy look& his stare makes you wanna kiss him that bad. and due to one tree hill's popularity, i, by no means, get over him.

wentworth miller

i just can't grasp the reason why my reflexes fire up just seeing him in prison break ads.
gawd, he sizzles.


james lafferty

they say,
you cant taste the sweetest of life's sweets without going through life's bitterest.
but why should i go battling through life's bitters when sweetness comes with just a dose of james?

victor basa.


c'mon, gwapo mn xa!!
;)


borgy manotoc

he's an antithesis to our perception of Marcoses' late and dramatic entrances.

i love his english tongue.
but i hate it when he initiates petty-turned-major riots in bars.


then
there's alwyn uytingco.
and
m**** guy.

some reachable.
most are not.
but ALL are temporary.
hahai.

the temporary madnesses in life
;)
(hi raph!)

paminawa

You want to stay with me in the morning
You only hold me when I sleep,
I was meant to tread the water
Now I've gotten in too deep,
For every piece of me that wants you
Another piece backs away.

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something
'Cause someday I might know my heart.

You already waited up for hours
Just to spend a little time alone with me,
And I can say I've never bought you flowers
I can't work out what the mean,
I never thought that I'd love someone,
That was someone else's dream.

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something,
'Cause someday I might call you from my heart,
But it might me a second too late,
And the words I could never say
Gonna come out anyway.

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something,
'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something
'Cause someday I might know my heart.
Know my heart,
know my heart,
know my heart

xoxo

though waking up early
for our promised
breakfast in bed
was tiring,
twas all worth it.

happy anniversary!!

much love!

L word

I believe that every single event in life happens in an opportunity to choose love over fear - Oprah

---
love over fear.
should i?

backscatter and baja

backscatter technology

"what's meant to protect us...
CAN
at the same time,
destroy us"

nat geo, in one of its specials, featured groundbreaking technologies that go two-way. backscatter provides us the optimum security we need from materials capable of snatching our lives in just a flick. scans through the most dense metals. more advanced than the all known x-ray. however, it breaches our privacy. in short, airports and companies employing this technology sees everything through people, and in people... minus the clothes.
or in shorter terms, let's you view people naked.
shortest term, nude.

opposition groups say it's bad:

seeing things we aren't supposed to see.
and lusting for what we can never have.

but hey, isn't that what makes the world more exciting?
;)

and

there's this BAJA beach club in Barcelona where being a VIP means having chips (a fraction bigger than rice grains) implanted in your system. it also means not having to pay for whatever you order. plus, an elite status. in fact in their media launch, some 'Grand Hermano' ('Big Brother' as translated) housemates carried in them the VIP status. owner Conrad Chase views this idea, special. yeah, special 'coz every single move and step of yours get tracked every single day. and it goes on until the rest of your life. unless you opt for surgery, there's no getting the implants back.

but at least, you don't have to pay. the chips do.

saag

in what seemed to be a series of winding paths and labyrinths of dirt roads and endless savannahs, i got lost. lost. for a reason i do not know of. for a reason unknowing of itself. but somehow, somewhere, i believed a reason existed. probably something my mind cannot grasp. or something i cannot articulate in the real sense.
yet, i still believed.
as i ran and ran to find my way back, what was once unknown became familiar to me.
realization then snapped.
the winding paths speak up for my mind-fickle.
the labyrinths- my heart and every bit of torturing emotion it has battled-- lust, jealousy, guilt, remorse, pride. and love.
and the seemingly never ending savannahs for my thoughts. my words. my foreplays (green as they are)- they who always find their way in but never their way out.
i am me.
and yet no matter how much i know myself, i end up losing the surface to the tip of the iceberg... my identity to questions.
i still get lost. lost. inside my head. winded up. desperately trapped in the crossfire between mind and matter.. head and heart. prisoned by my thoughts that seem to run faster than my metabolism. living my life simply meant being lost.
as i craved for an escape, what was once familiar became too familiar.

i needed to get lost
to find my way home
to know the road more
to know me more

and yes, life is too complex to be defined by just one time instances.
so the next time i get lost, i can only hope i could still find the way back.
and the reason to.

hey hoi

for people whose hearts have been savaged
again and again
heartbreak after heartbreak
that there seems to be no other resort
than dreams.

*love and respect to deviant artist, FlawedNoOne

love's pain

sheepishly i sat before an incandescent stall of juices and shakes. the wife had bought me a cup of piña colada, and had asked if she could rest her legs, meaning by this that i should get lunch for us both. she pointed to a self-service counter on whose wall hung a huge tarpaulin displaying the photographs of grilled chicken breast and steamed parrot fish and soup steaming from a bowl. much the indecisive person and seeing the long line of people there, i hemmed and hawed. but like a shot the wife advanced to the counter and in no time came back to our table with a tray of food.

her face displayed no resentment; in fact it betrayed a smile. i realized that she did what she did, not for a selfish reason but for some noble purpose, perhaps for something like love.

frequently falling short of the standard, i feel inadequate when talking about love. inescapably, when i refglect on what Jesus had said -- "A new command i give you: Love one another. As i have loved you, so you must love one another"- such as Pedro Calungsod comes to mind. Jesus loved by giving his life. so did pedro. when the natives threw spears at his friend and mentor, fr. diego luis de san vitores, pedro stepped in front of the priest, took a hit and died.

during an interview, joseph campbell told bill moyers about two policemen in Hawaii who drove up a road on a mountain ridge and chanced upon a man who had gone beyond the protective railing and was preparing to jump down the steep slope. the policemen stopped their car and one of them rushed out to grab the man, catching him just as he leapt. the policeman was himself being pulled over by the weight of the man when the second policeman arrived and dragged the two of them back to safety. later, a newspaper reporter told the first policeman that he could have killed himself, and asked him why he did not let go of the man. the policeman replied, "if i had let that young man go, i couldn't have lived another day of my life."

campbell mentioned that schopenhauer had posed the question how a human being could so take part in the peril of pain of someone taht without thought he or she would sacrifice his or her own life for the other. and in answer schopenhauer hypothesized that this arose from the human being's metaphysical realization that he or she and the other are one.

certainly, in whatever form it takes, whether it is of man for a woman, or of a parent for a child, or of a child for its parent, or of a man or a woman for a friend, or just the kindness that one shows to strangers-love becomes pure and true only in sacrifice. the giving of self does not always call for martyrdom, or for something dramatic or grand. it often just requires the surrender of comfort or convenience, or the joyful and patient endurance of the irritations of daily life and the annoyance that every so often arises from human association.

i know of someone, a telephone operator, who got called to duty on Christmas Eve. this was a special time for her family and they had prepared to celebrate it with attendance at midnight mass together and afterwards with a meal that she had made sure would delight the children as well as the adults. and of course there were gifts that they would give each other, which they had spent much time and money in choosing.

she left home with a heavy heart, and went about her work with an absent mind. but as she manned the switchboard, and heard the calls that came in from different parts of the globe-from spouses or siblings or children working abroad, who could not join their families for Christmas, her spirits lightened. eventually, something like joy filled her every time she linked family members together across time zones, and heard them tearfully greeting each other a merry Christmas. she herself felt a deeper bond with her family despite the fact that she had to leave her spouse and children for that Christmas eve. in passing up the chance to be with them for the sake of other families, her love for her own family became purer and truer.

after lunch, the wife and i left the mall. as we passed through a long corridor, she gave me an affectionate pinch on the arm. surely, i told myself, joseph campbell was right when he said that love is the pain of being truly alive.

--
by simeon dumdum, jr.

my boyfriend. ;)

i wish. haha

12 days

my left.


---
misses your right.

;)

Boy you should know that
I got you on my mind
Your secret admirer
I've been watching you

Chorus:
At night I think of you
I want to be your lady, baby
If your game is on, give me a call Boo
If your love is strong, gonna give my all to you
(repeat)

Every day I pray my heart can win
Every night I pray I can call you my man, yeah yeah yeah
I need you, I want you
To have you, hold you, squeeze you
So I'm going out every weekend
Just to see my Boo again

chorus

These feelings I have for you
They go deeper if you can come
Correct with your game boy
No, no, no you can't relate boy
But if you can please me
Then my love will come easy
I'll do anything you want
Freak me boy
I'm thinkin' of you

chorus

Boy you've got all I need
From what I see
And boy every night
I am constantly thinking of you

---
hmmm.. this just fits me well.
;)

trak-trak nga guba, ayuhon
pajamang gisi, tahian
awa-aw nga dalan, pabibuhon
nahanaw nga dram, pun-an
unya kung ang kasing-kasing mismo?
nasamdan sa gugma...
nagisi.naguba.
napatuyok sa bakak...
namingaw.nahanaw.
mahimo pa ba kining
mabuhi
mugana
sama sa una?

06h ride

i was with someone i terribly missed from highschool the past three hours.
the ride back home was euphoria.

**a guy wearing this boarded the jeep:


---
NOTE: he was sweating all over.
if i had just brought my fan along with me, i'd totally offer it to him. hesitations barred.
god i just cant get it why people find comfort in layered-slash-jacket-slash-sweater with hoodie- get-up amidst the heat.

**then the girls beside us totally forgot the fact of the existence of people (with ears) around them. and mistook the fact of a public utility jeep as private.

on likes and dislikes:
g1: sus, ang sushi luod man uy! isa pa lang ka slice, i cant take it!
g1: ang wasabe pud.
g2: vegetables diay?
g1: no. meat jud ko. i love meat jud. aw sauna pagkabata ganahan kaau ko ug kamatis, ambot lang karon... dili naman.
g2: then?
g1: dili sad ko mu kaon ug 'what you call that?' eggplant!
g2: ampalaya?
g1: yes. pilian jud ko.
dili jud ko anang mga 'buhokon'
---
whhhaaaatttt? say that again. buhokon? bwahahahaha.
so if you don't eat, you... what?

on fine events:
g1: unya ang fine dining sa velez! fine!
maski unsa lang imo buhaton para lang m.flat 1 ka ni sir, insulto kaau oi!

on not trusting people:
g1: i dont put my trust on other people.
(and then she mentioned guys but i was trying not to laugh my lungs out that i kind of lost track to where they were..)

malls:
g1: greenhills. glorietta.
g2: mao lagi, maski converse na ang brand sa akong bana mangita pjud ko ug lain brand.
g1: aw nindot jud ng converse aie!

on crushes:
g1: kaybaw njud c noel nga n.crush ko niya! buang mn gd ni si +john sabi niya: jackie oh, si noel crush mo! kakahiya kaau.
---
+ name forgotten.

on shopping for clothes:
g1: ay grabe sa baguio uy kay ang mga sales naa nalang display sa kalsada.
sa cubao pud dghan kaau ug ukay2x.
ang baclaran jud! murag carbon!

unforgettable places:
g1: ang manela dato man diay sa. ang mga poor places ang Tondo, then naay part sa QC.
g2: aaahhh..
g1: kanang makati, mura nxag bEsness center like ayala and IT Park.

g1: sus, ang mall sa baguio.. dili jud aircon! then sa gabii, ilahang iclose ang glass. sus, tugnawa lagi ghapon!
g2: unya?
g1: (loudly) pero wala pa ko ka.ad2g baguio.

g1: sa manela, kutob ra jud ko sa pampanga and batangas.

-----
we so thought you were blabbing from personal experience.


em & kim: lugar, noy.

the heck. i still have all her lines stucked in my mind. and with another ride beside her, i swear i can make a long, extensive and comprehensive biography! i can even fill up an autograph for her. haha!

the night was complete.
so much for all the laughter.
thank you, whoever you are. ;)

one minute and the next

it's climax.
one minute you're in heaven the next, you're parachuting down back hell. where it's hot. or even more.

it's perception-slash-deception.
one minute you're everyone's beautiful princess, the next... you're just the pauper whose whole life is built on twisted happily-ever-afters.

it's a crash.
one minute you rule the world, the next you're smooching pavement.

and now i am...
just the ordinary girl. in hell. returning distasteful kisses with the ground.

i need him.
my nirvana.

but for now, i am totally convinced that myself is the only one who could save me from the abyss i am deeply falling into.

i have me.
i can stand with that.
but with you,
i can stand with all these... even more.

i've struggled my mind
to come up with something
to say
but everytime
i see this...
two emotions
struggle back at me.
do i save him from the bottle?
or
just jam with him?

tagay na ni, dong?
or si ate mo-tubos?
hehehe

status

and though my head refuses to
my heart is helplessly succumbing to the call.

---
why?