11.14.09
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
?
sometimes it feels like you are an idea my mind just had the control to freeze. and by the time my logic lands on such warm surface, you pop out right in front of me
and i
suddenly do not know what to do.
and i
suddenly do not know what to do.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
240 months
my pre-birthday syndrome consists of recalling the year that has passed, the memories, and the events prior to the even bigger ones.
all along, there was the constant tag of nostalgia. it was something i cannot get rid of, something i cannot set aside.there is the rush of sadness and euphoria. rolled into each other at intervals and sometimes both at the same time. normally, i would have screamed but i chose to silently play along its thread.
i expected the day to be plain, flat, simple. the way all my days have been since then. i never got myself to think of surprises, or of people coming over at the last minute, nor of the numerous online greetings. i never planned plans.
but to my disbelief, all the thinking fell flat on my face.
at 8am,
i woke up and my world was singing a beautiful birthday cake.
at noon,
it were all pork bellies, fried cheese, kalamares, panama, raspberry, brian's ribs and vera's rice.
at dinner,
it was celebrated exactly on a moon where it all had began.
at exactly 12mn,
i ended up my kindof 27 with 2 of the bestest people in the world.
ten-twennie seven was a surprise i can never get over with..
i may not get everything i want.
but for now, i know i have everything i need.
all along, there was the constant tag of nostalgia. it was something i cannot get rid of, something i cannot set aside.there is the rush of sadness and euphoria. rolled into each other at intervals and sometimes both at the same time. normally, i would have screamed but i chose to silently play along its thread.
i expected the day to be plain, flat, simple. the way all my days have been since then. i never got myself to think of surprises, or of people coming over at the last minute, nor of the numerous online greetings. i never planned plans.
but to my disbelief, all the thinking fell flat on my face.
at 8am,
i woke up and my world was singing a beautiful birthday cake.
at noon,
it were all pork bellies, fried cheese, kalamares, panama, raspberry, brian's ribs and vera's rice.
at dinner,
it was celebrated exactly on a moon where it all had began.
at exactly 12mn,
i ended up my kindof 27 with 2 of the bestest people in the world.
ten-twennie seven was a surprise i can never get over with..
i may not get everything i want.
but for now, i know i have everything i need.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
this for now
it was some kind of wonder that in the middle of everything, i found myself laughing one August night. everyone rhymed with the laughter. and i, found synchrony in every word i spoke. minutes after it, the feeling was all brand new. it felt like i was the right person, in the right place. the happiness was an all too familiar feeling-- something i have had before. and something i havent brought back for such a long time.
what transpired in that long time was the refusal to feel happy. because to feel happy, much less to smile, felt like betrayal. of how we were. of us. it will be a fraud when i say that i do not feel anything now anymore. the hatred. the mistrust. and all the sadness. the time between us ended with words said too quickly. i never had a voice in it, anyway. so there will always be that certain amount of shock associated with you, no matter what the circumstances.
perhaps, jude meant the truth when she said over La Marean pizza that i will be fine.
but still, after all the happiness felt-- it is surprising that i get cut at the middle of my paragraphs and stop.
what transpired in that long time was the refusal to feel happy. because to feel happy, much less to smile, felt like betrayal. of how we were. of us. it will be a fraud when i say that i do not feel anything now anymore. the hatred. the mistrust. and all the sadness. the time between us ended with words said too quickly. i never had a voice in it, anyway. so there will always be that certain amount of shock associated with you, no matter what the circumstances.
perhaps, jude meant the truth when she said over La Marean pizza that i will be fine.
but still, after all the happiness felt-- it is surprising that i get cut at the middle of my paragraphs and stop.
Do you ever wonder? I mean, about us. What happened? It was almost as if our relationship was a piece of paper—crumpled up and thrown away. Forgotten. What might have happened if we didn`t crumple it up and throw it away? Maybe we would still be together. Maybe not. Or maybe secretly we haven’t thrown it away yet. We’re saving it cause we’re hoping maybe someday we can pull it out of our pockets and rekindle what we once had. Or maybe it`s not even that we want it back. Maybe it`s just that we don`t want to lose what we had, but at the same time, we already know it`s lost;. I wonder that a lot, and I wonder if you wonder sometimes, too.
but then,
you are the childhood-- something i once had, and never expect to have again.
Monday, May 18, 2009
and even up to this day, it is you that still look for every morning. and the one i whisper goodnight to before i tuck myself.
even up to now, you are still the person i would want to try and fail with. how do i fill in emptiness, the hole you were supposed to be? the part of me that was lost when you left is screaming at me. it knows i could never have her back.
i would have wanted to tell you that despite this hell, it will still be your hands id search for at the end of the day.
i would have wanted to tell you that even with the tears, it will still be your jokes id want to laugh about.
that even if you sometimes fail to
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
it must mean something.
it must mean something.
it must mean something to choose reading over writing.
to settle with an all pop novel, not knowing if it was the better choice but knowing that it was better than staring up at ceilings and facing my blog. there is a certain comfort that comes from books. a certain feeling, that when you're done you aren't the person you were when you first started. or perhaps because summer is here and the nights get too melancholic so i choose to swallow sadness and read. i read because my mind gets clogged up by the wonder of words fusing worlds. i read because i am able to think. and when there is too much to think about, i forsake sadness. i could just fuss over James and Materia and their kids, and their New World without ever having to worry about how my own is doing.
because when i don't write, i do not have to admit things.. i wouldn't have to say that i am neither good nor fine. worse, i wouldn't have to admit that even up to now i am uncomfortable with all the silence. mental telepathy works and fails, but i do not know when it does and when it doesnt. i wouldn't have to say that at 3am, it's your hug that i need most. and by 4, i realize that i have no one but myself to be with. i wouldn't have to publicly admit that i sleep too much-- all day, because i hope of waking up with your arms around mine. i wouldn't have to let you know how miserable it is because by then, id be the someone who finds it hard to understand.
but there is nothing to admit anymore. and when there is nothing to admit, there is no truth. no reality. no heart falling off the door because the hinge was too loose.
i prefer to read because when i do, i escape from being too dramatic. because when i do not write, i can continue to pretend. the more pages i read, the longer i could pretend.
that yes, i am the world's happiest person. i am loving all this distance. i understand. and of course, i am falling in deeper with April.
(there are more pretensions i could give you in various patterns and phrases)
it must mean something.
an escape.
p.s
i JUST wanted to express myself the fastest way i know of. blame me for all the errors there are. you are forgiven, i still have a book to finish.
p.s
i miss you. still.
too much.
------------------
it must mean something to choose reading over writing.
to settle with an all pop novel, not knowing if it was the better choice but knowing that it was better than staring up at ceilings and facing my blog. there is a certain comfort that comes from books. a certain feeling, that when you're done you aren't the person you were when you first started. or perhaps because summer is here and the nights get too melancholic so i choose to swallow sadness and read. i read because my mind gets clogged up by the wonder of words fusing worlds. i read because i am able to think. and when there is too much to think about, i forsake sadness. i could just fuss over James and Materia and their kids, and their New World without ever having to worry about how my own is doing.
because when i don't write, i do not have to admit things.. i wouldn't have to say that i am neither good nor fine. worse, i wouldn't have to admit that even up to now i am uncomfortable with all the silence. mental telepathy works and fails, but i do not know when it does and when it doesnt. i wouldn't have to say that at 3am, it's your hug that i need most. and by 4, i realize that i have no one but myself to be with. i wouldn't have to publicly admit that i sleep too much-- all day, because i hope of waking up with your arms around mine. i wouldn't have to let you know how miserable it is because by then, id be the someone who finds it hard to understand.
but there is nothing to admit anymore. and when there is nothing to admit, there is no truth. no reality. no heart falling off the door because the hinge was too loose.
i prefer to read because when i do, i escape from being too dramatic. because when i do not write, i can continue to pretend. the more pages i read, the longer i could pretend.
that yes, i am the world's happiest person. i am loving all this distance. i understand. and of course, i am falling in deeper with April.
(there are more pretensions i could give you in various patterns and phrases)
it must mean something.
an escape.
p.s
i JUST wanted to express myself the fastest way i know of. blame me for all the errors there are. you are forgiven, i still have a book to finish.
p.s
i miss you. still.
too much.
------------------
“Look at the sky: that is for you. Look at each person’s face as you pass on the street: those faces are for you. And the street itself, and the ground under the street, and the ball of fire underneath the ground: all these things are for you. There are as much for you as they are for other people. Remember this when you wake up in the morning and think you have nothing.”
— Miranda July (No One Belongs Here More Than You: Stories)
Monday, April 6, 2009
scary
i slip into thinking that by bearing it all, there is nothing left of me to keep. everyone loses something. and sometimes, even their selves.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
disney-dults
Yes, we all grew up adoring these classic, one of kind Disney films. But did you know that these are for adults, also?
1. The letters S-E-X are formed by a swirling cloud of dust in The Lion King.
- A 4-year-old boy from New York (or Louisiana), viewing the video with his head tilted to the left, supposedly noticed the appearance of the letters S-E-X and told his mother (or aunt) about it.
2. The photographic image of a topless woman can be spotted in the background of The Rescuers.
- Unlike most rumors of risque words images hidden in Disney's animated films, this one is clearly true, and the images in question were undeniably purposely inserted into the movie.
3. One of the castle spires on the cover of Disney's The Little Mermaid home video was deliberately drawn as a phallus by a disgruntled artist.
- One of the castle spires in the Artwork in question background of The Little Mermaid promotional artwork bears an unmistakable resemblance to a penis, so much so that many people are unwilling to dismiss the drawing as mere accident or coincidence.
4. Beauty and the Beast's Belle can be glimpsed in a scene from The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
- During the film's second musical number, Quasimodo sings "Out there" from atop of the Note Dame cathedral. As the camera slowly pans down along the street reminiscent of Belle's hometown, Belle appears at the bottom right hand corner of the screen, walking and reading a book, wearing her blue dress of course.
5. The minister officiating at Ursula's wedding ceremony in The Little Mermaid displays an erection.
- In the film's first wedding scene (the one in which Ursula, having taken the appearance of Vanessa and the voice of Ariel, attempts to marry Prince Eric), as the bride and groom are approaching the minister, the side-profile shots of the minister allegedly reveal him to be sporting an erection. The minister is dressed as a bishop (wearing a tunic and tights) in this scene, and the triangular bulge claimed to be an "erection" is actually his knee sticking out from under the tunic. The minister's bandy legs and the blending of the tunic and tights make it difficult to distinguish his knee in some frames, although it is clearly visible in others.
- In the film's first wedding scene (the one in which Ursula, having taken the appearance of Vanessa and the voice of Ariel, attempts to marry Prince Eric), as the bride and groom are approaching the minister, the side-profile shots of the minister allegedly reveal him to be sporting an erection. The minister is dressed as a bishop (wearing a tunic and tights) in this scene, and the triangular bulge claimed to be an "erection" is actually his knee sticking out from under the tunic. The minister's bandy legs and the blending of the tunic and tights make it difficult to distinguish his knee in some frames, although it is clearly visible in others.
6. Disney produced an animated film called The Story of Menstruation.
- Through animation and diagrams, the film discusses the female reproductive organs and follows development from babyhood to motherhood. A popular Disney film for girls in school for several decades.
- Through animation and diagrams, the film discusses the female reproductive organs and follows development from babyhood to motherhood. A popular Disney film for girls in school for several decades.
Friday, April 3, 2009
<3,
for the whole time last night, i didnt know what to call ours. or if there was still something we rightfully owned. the truth is, everything has been laid out. and there is nothing we hold private between us anymore. i did not know how to go on, nor how to say what i wanted to say. i cannot even finish my sentences.
last night was the first time i refused your hands, your scent, you. last night was the first time i wanted to be distant yet still carried on a careful pace to make sure you were there, following. it was the first time i didnt want to be comforted because i knew i'd cry more. and i didnt want to show you that i did nor tell you how nervous i became when you broke the statement "let's go there. i have something to say." i do not know if i had just unlearned the art of hiding emotions through smiles and jokes along the avenue we had to walk, or if you just knew me too well to sense that i was. it was the very time i wanted to heal my pain and put everything else first, before you. it was the first time i was shattered because the world we once had unto ourselves and the bond i knew was just between us, isnt ours anymore.
my face may have lapsed in showing what i had within but only because my heart was the one who felt too much. it wanted to be numb giving you the impression that it was stronger, this time. i didnt want to scamper, make a scene and put you to shame. because i knew you were feeling too much, too. when you began talking, i wanted you to just skip the intro and jump directly to the details. when you justified yourself, i hated hearing that you were sorry for being weak. because i knew you are not. you never were. and what good is justification when the damage has been done.
for reasons hard to set forth, everything i held within me last night suddenly came from too much to nothing at all the moment i saw you letting it all out. i was sorry for not being able to nurse you through your pain as i always did in the past. i was sorry for not being there.
i still do not know how to look at myself. i am even uncertain if there is still something left to look at. it feels that everytime i pass by, people talk behind my back no matter how much i trust in the belief that they would defy anything that is passed on to their ears. because they want to. because nothing is stopping them. and because we are together.
but this i have to tell you. again.
i may not know how to face the passing days but just be there and i will be fine. i may not know what to do, but i am still here. because i have chosen to stay. and i haven't, in any way, lessened the grip that i have to the rope that ties us together.
last night was the first time i refused your hands, your scent, you. last night was the first time i wanted to be distant yet still carried on a careful pace to make sure you were there, following. it was the first time i didnt want to be comforted because i knew i'd cry more. and i didnt want to show you that i did nor tell you how nervous i became when you broke the statement "let's go there. i have something to say." i do not know if i had just unlearned the art of hiding emotions through smiles and jokes along the avenue we had to walk, or if you just knew me too well to sense that i was. it was the very time i wanted to heal my pain and put everything else first, before you. it was the first time i was shattered because the world we once had unto ourselves and the bond i knew was just between us, isnt ours anymore.
my face may have lapsed in showing what i had within but only because my heart was the one who felt too much. it wanted to be numb giving you the impression that it was stronger, this time. i didnt want to scamper, make a scene and put you to shame. because i knew you were feeling too much, too. when you began talking, i wanted you to just skip the intro and jump directly to the details. when you justified yourself, i hated hearing that you were sorry for being weak. because i knew you are not. you never were. and what good is justification when the damage has been done.
for reasons hard to set forth, everything i held within me last night suddenly came from too much to nothing at all the moment i saw you letting it all out. i was sorry for not being able to nurse you through your pain as i always did in the past. i was sorry for not being there.
i still do not know how to look at myself. i am even uncertain if there is still something left to look at. it feels that everytime i pass by, people talk behind my back no matter how much i trust in the belief that they would defy anything that is passed on to their ears. because they want to. because nothing is stopping them. and because we are together.
but this i have to tell you. again.
i may not know how to face the passing days but just be there and i will be fine. i may not know what to do, but i am still here. because i have chosen to stay. and i haven't, in any way, lessened the grip that i have to the rope that ties us together.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
forget not
that 13th when we had each other above the city.
the good times do not seem to pass, after all.
the good times do not seem to pass, after all.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
...
I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.
I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.
Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.
In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood
--pablo neruda
**********************************
because when it is about you, the end and the start are too hard to accomplish.
as together, they are one.
when it is about you, my pen comes short.
my words are weaker in comparison to my heart.
as even if the only job is to improve a canvass, you are too abstract to work upon.
and i concede to defeat first because i do not want to under-word you.
as together, they are one.
when it is about you, my pen comes short.
my words are weaker in comparison to my heart.
as even if the only job is to improve a canvass, you are too abstract to work upon.
and i concede to defeat first because i do not want to under-word you.
***********************************************
you know that i have asked about this, and i have it now.
my words couldn't be grateful enough.
that for all things life could have turned to be,
love turned you to me.
----random
****************************************
my words couldn't be grateful enough.
that for all things life could have turned to be,
love turned you to me.
----random
****************************************
i love you.
because i know no other way.
happy 5th.
because i know no other way.
happy 5th.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
anthem/s
this is probably the most sincere song guys could sing to their girls:
(i loved this the moment i heard it. and yes, even if it makes me cry. [at times] )
Sometimes we wish for the better
When we have it good as it gets
Sometimes the grass isn't greener
Sometimes we find out we forget
Sometimes the fool doesn't know he's a fool
Sometimes a dog he don't know he's a dog
Sometimes I do stupid things to you
When I really don't mean it all
Sometimes a man
Is gon' be a man
It's not an excuse
It's just how it is
Sometimes the wrong
Don't know that they're wrong
Sometimes the strong
Ain't always so strong
Sometimes a girl
Is gon' be a girl
She don't wanna deal with all the drama in your world
God knows I don't mean to give it to you
So girl I'm sorry for the stupid things I wish I didn't do but I do
Oh so sorry, oh no, oh so sorry
Sometimes I wish I was smarter
Wish I was a bit more like you
Not making stupid decisions made at the last minute
You live to regret when it's through
Well, sometimes the fool doesn't know he's a fool
And sometimes a dog he don't know he's a dog
Sometimes I do stupid things to you
When I really didn't mean it all
Sometimes a man
Is gon' be a man
It's not an excuse
It's just how it is
Sometimes the wrong
Don't know that they're wrong
Sometimes the strong
Can't always be strong
Sometimes a girl
Is gon' be a girl
She don't wanna deal with all the drama in your world
God knows I don't mean to give it to you
So girl I'm sorry for the stupid things I wish I didn't do but I do
Sometimes the fool doesn't know he's a fool
Sometimes a dog he don't know he's a dog
Sometimes I do stupid things to you
When I really didn't mean it at all, at all
Sometimes a man
Is gon' be a man
It's not an excuse
It's just how it is
Sometimes the wrong
Don't know that they're wrong
Sometimes the strong
Ain't always so strong
Sometimes a girl
Is gon' be a girl
She don't wanna deal with all the drama in your world
God knows I don't mean to give it to you
So girl I'm sorry for the stupid things I wish I didn't do but I do
***************************************************
and then, sway to this.
I'll take care of you
Don't be sad, don't be blue
'Cause I'll never break your heart in two
'Cause I'll take care of you
I'll kiss your tears away
I'll end your lonely days
All that I'm really trying to say
Is I'll take care of you
I want you to know
That I love you so
I'm proud to tell the world you're mine
I've said it before,
I'll say it once more,
You'll be in my heart 'till the end of time
I'll take care of you,
Don't be sad, don't be blue
Just count on me your whole life through
And I'll take care of you
And I'll take care,
I'll take care of you..
(i loved this the moment i heard it. and yes, even if it makes me cry. [at times] )
Sometimes we wish for the better
When we have it good as it gets
Sometimes the grass isn't greener
Sometimes we find out we forget
Sometimes the fool doesn't know he's a fool
Sometimes a dog he don't know he's a dog
Sometimes I do stupid things to you
When I really don't mean it all
Sometimes a man
Is gon' be a man
It's not an excuse
It's just how it is
Sometimes the wrong
Don't know that they're wrong
Sometimes the strong
Ain't always so strong
Sometimes a girl
Is gon' be a girl
She don't wanna deal with all the drama in your world
God knows I don't mean to give it to you
So girl I'm sorry for the stupid things I wish I didn't do but I do
Oh so sorry, oh no, oh so sorry
Sometimes I wish I was smarter
Wish I was a bit more like you
Not making stupid decisions made at the last minute
You live to regret when it's through
Well, sometimes the fool doesn't know he's a fool
And sometimes a dog he don't know he's a dog
Sometimes I do stupid things to you
When I really didn't mean it all
Sometimes a man
Is gon' be a man
It's not an excuse
It's just how it is
Sometimes the wrong
Don't know that they're wrong
Sometimes the strong
Can't always be strong
Sometimes a girl
Is gon' be a girl
She don't wanna deal with all the drama in your world
God knows I don't mean to give it to you
So girl I'm sorry for the stupid things I wish I didn't do but I do
Sometimes the fool doesn't know he's a fool
Sometimes a dog he don't know he's a dog
Sometimes I do stupid things to you
When I really didn't mean it at all, at all
Sometimes a man
Is gon' be a man
It's not an excuse
It's just how it is
Sometimes the wrong
Don't know that they're wrong
Sometimes the strong
Ain't always so strong
Sometimes a girl
Is gon' be a girl
She don't wanna deal with all the drama in your world
God knows I don't mean to give it to you
So girl I'm sorry for the stupid things I wish I didn't do but I do
***************************************************
and then, sway to this.
I'll take care of you
Don't be sad, don't be blue
'Cause I'll never break your heart in two
'Cause I'll take care of you
I'll kiss your tears away
I'll end your lonely days
All that I'm really trying to say
Is I'll take care of you
I want you to know
That I love you so
I'm proud to tell the world you're mine
I've said it before,
I'll say it once more,
You'll be in my heart 'till the end of time
I'll take care of you,
Don't be sad, don't be blue
Just count on me your whole life through
And I'll take care of you
And I'll take care,
I'll take care of you..
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
make-up
i know i haven't been writing about you. and i know that you curse me for that.
i know i have been too much of the opposite poles--too shy and too proud into shouting that you are the one.
i know i haven't been perfect-- certainly not the girl who could wear white and not spill on it.
i know you found phrases that seemed too familiar. and faces you would trade the world for to just not catch a glimpse.
i know what i have broken.
your heart.
but even if you caught how my past was at the most unlikely time, i vow that from today my speech will be of the present.
of now.
of us.
they may have lurked here for too long but too long is over.
this time, this shall be your domain.
they may have once had my words, but you have them for a lifetime.
even if my pen fails you, know that my heart never will.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
here's to start the day
sala scene:
things weren't smooth when he came in for lit.
he made me go home.
i went to church for ash wednesday purposes alone.
i walked under the rain alone.
i wasn't receiving any news. i was probably going to spend the night alone.
and just when i thought things weren't going to be okay when i close my eyes tonight, a text came.
26-Feb-2009
00:27:34
it read:
"Naa ko gawas n.u blay.last lod nlng ni. :-)"
gate scece:
boyfriend: mcdo delivery.
girlfriend: *SHOCKED.
boyfriend: dli rako magdugay. n.ari ra ko to say sorry. sorry kay wala ko sa mood ganina. and i love you.
girlfriend: umm. ummm. :) :) :)
my words failed me but my heart was suddenly out of control.
he never fails :)
after minutes, these were the ones left.
you're shittingly and addictively sweet.
i love you, my own and 'self-preserved' mcdo delivery man.
:)
things weren't smooth when he came in for lit.
he made me go home.
i went to church for ash wednesday purposes alone.
i walked under the rain alone.
i wasn't receiving any news. i was probably going to spend the night alone.
and just when i thought things weren't going to be okay when i close my eyes tonight, a text came.
26-Feb-2009
00:27:34
it read:
"Naa ko gawas n.u blay.last lod nlng ni. :-)"
gate scece:
boyfriend: mcdo delivery.
girlfriend: *SHOCKED.
boyfriend: dli rako magdugay. n.ari ra ko to say sorry. sorry kay wala ko sa mood ganina. and i love you.
girlfriend: umm. ummm. :) :) :)
my words failed me but my heart was suddenly out of control.
he never fails :)
after minutes, these were the ones left.
you're shittingly and addictively sweet.
i love you, my own and 'self-preserved' mcdo delivery man.
:)
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
resurrect
dear blog,
i have abandoned you for exactly 5 months and 2days now.
i left you because you dwelled so much of the past.
you were so full of someone i assumed i was with. your words, your speech paralleled him as if he were a god. and even with those months of not writing, even with the silence, it was obvious of whom you beated for.
but what niel has to know is that you were the only one holding on as i walked away. it was not me who felt for james, neither my heart. it was you.
i was ready to completely forget when you pull me in again by being mute.
and because i was afraid too of losing my soul, i wrote until there was nothing to write. there was nothing to write because the feelings have dried. there was nothing to write because even from the start, there was never us.
what niel has to know is that whatever were posted here before he came, do not hold true for the present anymore. my heart had long enough flew from the vice and has find its home in him. he needs to know that i never had something real until i had him.
he needs to know that i love him.
and due to constantly hopping over tez and raph's accounts, i couldnt help get jealous on how everyone has been upblog-dating.
ergo, the decision to reopen.
new posts.
new start.
new love.
and take note, it's eiffel on the left. id change that look but only if i find a better one to trade over paris.
i have abandoned you for exactly 5 months and 2days now.
i left you because you dwelled so much of the past.
you were so full of someone i assumed i was with. your words, your speech paralleled him as if he were a god. and even with those months of not writing, even with the silence, it was obvious of whom you beated for.
but what niel has to know is that you were the only one holding on as i walked away. it was not me who felt for james, neither my heart. it was you.
i was ready to completely forget when you pull me in again by being mute.
and because i was afraid too of losing my soul, i wrote until there was nothing to write. there was nothing to write because the feelings have dried. there was nothing to write because even from the start, there was never us.
what niel has to know is that whatever were posted here before he came, do not hold true for the present anymore. my heart had long enough flew from the vice and has find its home in him. he needs to know that i never had something real until i had him.
he needs to know that i love him.
and due to constantly hopping over tez and raph's accounts, i couldnt help get jealous on how everyone has been upblog-dating.
ergo, the decision to reopen.
new posts.
new start.
new love.
and take note, it's eiffel on the left. id change that look but only if i find a better one to trade over paris.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)