this for now

it was some kind of wonder that in the middle of everything, i found myself laughing one August night. everyone rhymed with the laughter. and i, found synchrony in every word i spoke. minutes after it, the feeling was all brand new. it felt like i was the right person, in the right place. the happiness was an all too familiar feeling-- something i have had before. and something i havent brought back for such a long time.
what transpired in that long time was the refusal to feel happy. because to feel happy, much less to smile, felt like betrayal. of how we were. of us. it will be a fraud when i say that i do not feel anything now anymore. the hatred. the mistrust. and all the sadness. the time between us ended with words said too quickly. i never had a voice in it, anyway. so there will always be that certain amount of shock associated with you, no matter what the circumstances.
perhaps, jude meant the truth when she said over La Marean pizza that i will be fine.
but still, after all the happiness felt-- it is surprising that i get cut at the middle of my paragraphs and stop.

Do you ever wonder? I mean, about us. What happened? It was almost as if our relationship was a piece of paper—crumpled up and thrown away. Forgotten. What might have happened if we didn`t crumple it up and throw it away? Maybe we would still be together. Maybe not. Or maybe secretly we haven’t thrown it away yet. We’re saving it cause we’re hoping maybe someday we can pull it out of our pockets and rekindle what we once had. Or maybe it`s not even that we want it back. Maybe it`s just that we don`t want to lose what we had, but at the same time, we already know it`s lost;. I wonder that a lot, and I wonder if you wonder sometimes, too.

but then,
you are the childhood-- something i once had, and never expect to have again.