LETTERS from the deathbed

and though i have kissed your lips even before i held your hands, nothing will ever be different. everything--intact and remembered-- you and me, a world unto ourselves.
(letters to her, part I)

i can neither sing the melody of forgetting nor hum in the silence of bygones. because you linger. persistently. and i, as i always do, remember you up to every single piece.
(letters to him, a ricochet, part I)

NOTES FROM MY DEATHBED

07.04.08
varicella caught me. see now, i have pox. the ride way home was tension-filled.
mom's 1 liner never got past through it. and dad just stared.
words seemingly died out from everyone.
i broke in tears.

07.05.08
there were too many emotions, even those i never expected.
a night wouldnt be enough to unload excess baggage.
there was just too much to feel.

07.06.08
--out of words--

07.07.08
these are the times when you really wont worry about how much
time has slipped or passed you by and how much
of it you spent wisely.

these are the times when you remember only ONE
significant memory.
the memory of my long time french guy with his
ever desperate housewife.
t&e blowing candles and cakes for sailing
1 year as a couple.

"kimi, get well soon okiez?
we miss you na."
love lots,
mai2 and lai2.
(my santa elves, thanks for the early xmas.)

07.09.08
3:44 pm
these are the times when i'd have to drag myself and curl on
the floor as the room temp rises as high as 38C. so
high that a trip to the cr would be vain.
and now, i lay between margins with this
tissue paper resting on a line that separates me from
what's sterile and what's not. with my lips
half an inch away from kissing the floor.
and my corpse
pulled and pushed halfway by the air i have too much of but
do not want and by another air, the one felt only through
the vision swag of leaves, the one i have so little of
and feel so little of.. but still chase.

so i think of being under the sheets inside this oveen.
but
with no more stories to write on what was and on they who
choose to remain dormant between pillows and their cases,
i end these right-handed strokes with a period.
and though i am scarred by the lapse,
i have no choice but to rest my pen.
and call it a d-a-y.


07.10.08
6 days alone in a room. without the slightest connection
to the world.
6 days. and counting.

rnb

it hurts when two people have battled it for the world, hanged on to each other but eventually had to give up.
it hurts when you have become witnesses of how their love has shifted and matured.

they knew how to tie shoelaces by themselves but chose to do such for the other.
they knew how cruel reality could get but they held on. each one was each other's strength.
they knew how strong the forces were in drifting them apart still, they chose to fight with whatever that's left for them.

but as people, someone had loosen grip. someone had been away while one was trying to fight it sword by sword.

and though it may not be too evident here, for it has known that my words fail some, it is just so sad that the love i had witnessed to have made it all through was the same love i had to see falling apart.

it hurts to see love end because yours was more than just a love story.

newest bff

on boring class hours, i have the leaves of my notebook as a trash bin. a familiar territory where i dump emotional overloads. i form hearts, draw circles and decide which name fits perfectly to both shapes. i quote thoughts i know will be useful and when words are scarce, i simply dot. but overtime, i have ceased viewing notebooks as mere things. they have evolved to be the ultimate companion.
the friend. my bestfriend. i can rant, profess feelings, bitch and bitch more and even doodle--they wouldn't do a thing. and it is never their lapse of emotion nor the lack of heart that causes them to be silent. they are the way they are because they were made to listen. their black lines were made horizontally straight so that anyone who writes on them has straightened up issues with himself. that is why people are brutally honest when they choose to battle with words. when they choose to write, they bare their souls out. at times they attempt, like water to drown facts too nicely, the truth still stays afloat. they try too hard. we try too hard... so much that we forget it was the very reason why jose died.
he was too honest.

-----------
im still writing on notebooks.
=*

you know who you are

-------------------------------------------------

i dont know how to hold you anymore.
it's so frustrating for me to see you so sad and knowing that there's nothing i can do
but watch and wait for you to be okay.
i luv u kim. hope you'll be ok soon, i miss you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

sent: 22 may 2008
12:43 pm

watching and waiting for me to be fine wouldn't be that hard.
you i know id recover. as i always do.

though our 13 min catching up never actually catched up, i know i'll be seeing youtomorrow.
we'll do the real thing, then.
and you know, we do it like no other.
luv u too.
:)

june ohhh eight.

*some girls are just born with glitter in their veins*
(l-r: anby. tina. em. kim)
(dated: june oh eight)

...

i used to think of you that way, you know. like the sun.. my personal sun. you balanced the clouds nicely for me. the clouds i can handle. but i cant fight with an eclipse.

-bella.jacob
twilight.

intermittent

--------
guy: i miss you.
and i have always been missing you.
--------

inspiration: come home
artist: one republic

Hello, world, hope you're listening
Forgive me if I`m young or speaking out of turn
But there`s someone that I`ve been missin'
And I think that they could be the better half of me
They`re in the wrong place, tryin' to make it right
And I`m tired of justifying, so I say to you...


"Come home, come home
'Cause I`ve been waiting for ya, for so long, for so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
The fight for you is all I`ve ever known
So come home"


I get lost in the beauty
Of everything I see, the world ain`t half as bad as they paint it to be
If all the sons, all the daughters, stop to take it in
Hopefully, the hate subsides, and the love can begin
It might start now, or maybe I`m just dreamin' out loud, but until then


Everything I can`t be, is everything you should be
And that`s why I need you here
Everything i can`t be, is everything you should be
And that`s why I need you here
So hear this now

--------
if she had always been a-okay with your departures then it was because she knew you'd knock again.
because she had hoped in the hope that jesus does resurrect the whatever.
but after certain thought, she is a little too uncertain about everything now.
--------

shoutout to: gossip girl s1
T_T

i was going over my archives,

when i saw this.
and i am remembered of how i persistently stalkED you-- hopping over accounts for bits and pieces of who you were. ogling over those who seemed like you. i have bared my disguise, made things too obvious but nonetheless, i didn't care. i didn't care as long as i get what i wanted. and for a twist of luck (a.k.a divine intervention for my diligence), gaps were overturned, bridges were built and walls molded from being permeable to non-existent. i wasn't your stalker anymore. i never had to steal your pictures, while you secretly had to shot every corner of my smile. and i wasn't asking people where you were or what you were doing because i was one of those who knew first. and i never had to ask if you were fine because i knew it when you weren't.

it was transparent. we were.
but we also knew how to be discreet. in that way your clamor with other women would continue. and i would just continue life with one person, with you, much of an addition to it.
it was easier that way. an excitement our egos loved too much to forego. and for whatever is in the present, whether things are back to square 1 or not at all, i can manage.
everyone gets what they want. if only they knew the ways to get it.

worthy enough

tragedy is when your blog, the only place where you put your heart out and shout and scream like no one cares, doesnt feel like home. anymore.
and i am feeling tragic right now. i am out of words not because the events that happened in between the last post and this have been too awesome or magical (mind me, they havent) but because i am not able to squeeze whatever there is left to squeeze. that the only thing that has been with you all this time has left you, you feel betrayed. and empty.
hence, the abscence of posts. even with this, life still feels a little too much of a tragedy.
i do deserve my happily ever after, too. don't i?