and even up to this day, it is you that still look for every morning. and the one i whisper goodnight to before i tuck myself.
even up to now, you are still the person i would want to try and fail with. how do i fill in emptiness, the hole you were supposed to be? the part of me that was lost when you left is screaming at me. it knows i could never have her back.

i would have wanted to tell you that despite this hell, it will still be your hands id search for at the end of the day.
i would have wanted to tell you that even with the tears, it will still be your jokes id want to laugh about.
that even if you sometimes fail to

you made me believe that i was worth fighting for
but
at the same time you made me feel that i was not worthy of being held on to.

it must mean something.

it must mean something.
it must mean something to choose reading over writing.

to settle with an all pop novel, not knowing if it was the better choice but knowing that it was better than staring up at ceilings and facing my blog. there is a certain comfort that comes from books. a certain feeling, that when you're done you aren't the person you were when you first started. or perhaps because summer is here and the nights get too melancholic so i choose to swallow sadness and read. i read because my mind gets clogged up by the wonder of words fusing worlds. i read because i am able to think. and when there is too much to think about, i forsake sadness. i could just fuss over James and Materia and their kids, and their New World without ever having to worry about how my own is doing.

because when i don't write, i do not have to admit things.. i wouldn't have to say that i am neither good nor fine. worse, i wouldn't have to admit that even up to now i am uncomfortable with all the silence. mental telepathy works and fails, but i do not know when it does and when it doesnt. i wouldn't have to say that at 3am, it's your hug that i need most. and by 4, i realize that i have no one but myself to be with. i wouldn't have to publicly admit that i sleep too much-- all day, because i hope of waking up with your arms around mine. i wouldn't have to let you know how miserable it is because by then, id be the someone who finds it hard to understand.
but there is nothing to admit anymore. and when there is nothing to admit, there is no truth. no reality. no heart falling off the door because the hinge was too loose.

i prefer to read because when i do, i escape from being too dramatic. because when i do not write, i can continue to pretend. the more pages i read, the longer i could pretend.
that yes, i am the world's happiest person. i am loving all this distance. i understand. and of course, i am falling in deeper with April.
(there are more pretensions i could give you in various patterns and phrases)

it must mean something.
an escape.

p.s
i JUST wanted to express myself the fastest way i know of. blame me for all the errors there are. you are forgiven, i still have a book to finish.


p.s
i miss you. still.
too much.

------------------

“Look at the sky: that is for you. Look at each person’s face as you pass on the street: those faces are for you. And the street itself, and the ground under the street, and the ball of fire underneath the ground: all these things are for you. There are as much for you as they are for other people. Remember this when you wake up in the morning and think you have nothing.”

— Miranda July (No One Belongs Here More Than You: Stories)

scary

i slip into thinking that by bearing it all, there is nothing left of me to keep. everyone loses something. and sometimes, even their selves.

disney-dults

Yes, we all grew up adoring these classic, one of kind Disney films. But did you know that these are for adults, also?


1. The letters S-E-X are formed by a swirling cloud of dust in The Lion King.
- A 4-year-old boy from New York (or Louisiana), viewing the video with his head tilted to the left, supposedly noticed the appearance of the letters S-E-X and told his mother (or aunt) about it.

2. The photographic image of a topless woman can be spotted in the background of The Rescuers.

- Unlike most rumors of risque words images hidden in Disney's animated films, this one is clearly true, and the images in question were undeniably purposely inserted into the movie.

3. One of the castle spires on the cover of Disney's The Little Mermaid home video was deliberately drawn as a phallus by a disgruntled artist.
- One of the castle spires in the Artwork in question background of The Little Mermaid promotional artwork bears an unmistakable resemblance to a penis, so much so that many people are unwilling to dismiss the drawing as mere accident or coincidence.

4. Beauty and the Beast's Belle can be glimpsed in a scene from The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
- During the film's second musical number, Quasimodo sings "Out there" from atop of the Note Dame cathedral. As the camera slowly pans down along the street reminiscent of Belle's hometown, Belle appears at the bottom right hand corner of the screen, walking and reading a book, wearing her blue dress of course.

5. The minister officiating at Ursula's wedding ceremony in The Little Mermaid displays an erection.
- In the film's first wedding scene (the one in which Ursula, having taken the appearance of Vanessa and the voice of Ariel, attempts to marry Prince Eric), as the bride and groom are approaching the minister, the side-profile shots of the minister allegedly reveal him to be sporting an erection. The minister is dressed as a bishop (wearing a tunic and tights) in this scene, and the triangular bulge claimed to be an "erection" is actually his knee sticking out from under the tunic. The minister's bandy legs and the blending of the tunic and tights make it difficult to distinguish his knee in some frames, although it is clearly visible in others.

6. Disney produced an animated film called The Story of Menstruation.
- Through animation and diagrams, the film discusses the female reproductive organs and follows development from babyhood to motherhood. A popular Disney film for girls in school for several decades.

<3,

for the whole time last night, i didnt know what to call ours. or if there was still something we rightfully owned. the truth is, everything has been laid out. and there is nothing we hold private between us anymore. i did not know how to go on, nor how to say what i wanted to say. i cannot even finish my sentences.

last night was the first time i refused your hands, your scent, you. last night was the first time i wanted to be distant yet still carried on a careful pace to make sure you were there, following. it was the first time i didnt want to be comforted because i knew i'd cry more. and i didnt want to show you that i did nor tell you how nervous i became when you broke the statement "let's go there. i have something to say." i do not know if i had just unlearned the art of hiding emotions through smiles and jokes along the avenue we had to walk, or if you just knew me too well to sense that i was. it was the very time i wanted to heal my pain and put everything else first, before you. it was the first time i was shattered because the world we once had unto ourselves and the bond i knew was just between us, isnt ours anymore.

my face may have lapsed in showing what i had within but only because my heart was the one who felt too much. it wanted to be numb giving you the impression that it was stronger, this time. i didnt want to scamper, make a scene and put you to shame. because i knew you were feeling too much, too. when you began talking, i wanted you to just skip the intro and jump directly to the details. when you justified yourself, i hated hearing that you were sorry for being weak. because i knew you are not. you never were. and what good is justification when the damage has been done.

for reasons hard to set forth, everything i held within me last night suddenly came from too much to nothing at all the moment i saw you letting it all out. i was sorry for not being able to nurse you through your pain as i always did in the past. i was sorry for not being there.

i still do not know how to look at myself. i am even uncertain if there is still something left to look at. it feels that everytime i pass by, people talk behind my back no matter how much i trust in the belief that they would defy anything that is passed on to their ears. because they want to. because nothing is stopping them. and because we are together.

but this i have to tell you. again.

i may not know how to face the passing days but just be there and i will be fine. i may not know what to do, but i am still here. because i have chosen to stay. and i haven't, in any way, lessened the grip that i have to the rope that ties us together.

forget not

that 13th when we had each other above the city.
the good times do not seem to pass, after all.

...

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood

--pablo neruda

**********************************

because when it is about you, the end and the start are too hard to accomplish.
as together, they are one.


when it is about you, my pen comes short.
my words are weaker in comparison to my heart.
as even if the only job is to improve a canvass, you are too abstract to work upon.

and i concede to defeat first because i do not want to under-word you.

***********************************************

you know that i have asked about this, and i have it now.
my words couldn't be grateful enough.
that for all things life could have turned to be,
love turned you to me.
----random

****************************************

i love you.
because i know no other way.

happy 5th.

anthem/s

this is probably the most sincere song guys could sing to their girls:
(i loved this the moment i heard it. and yes, even if it makes me cry. [at times] )


Sometimes we wish for the better
When we have it good as it gets
Sometimes the grass isn't greener
Sometimes we find out we forget
Sometimes the fool doesn't know he's a fool
Sometimes a dog he don't know he's a dog
Sometimes I do stupid things to you
When I really don't mean it all

Sometimes a man
Is gon' be a man
It's not an excuse
It's just how it is
Sometimes the wrong
Don't know that they're wrong
Sometimes the strong
Ain't always so strong
Sometimes a girl
Is gon' be a girl
She don't wanna deal with all the drama in your world
God knows I don't mean to give it to you
So girl I'm sorry for the stupid things I wish I didn't do but I do
Oh so sorry, oh no, oh so sorry

Sometimes I wish I was smarter
Wish I was a bit more like you
Not making stupid decisions made at the last minute
You live to regret when it's through

Well, sometimes the fool doesn't know he's a fool
And sometimes a dog he don't know he's a dog
Sometimes I do stupid things to you
When I really didn't mean it all

Sometimes a man
Is gon' be a man
It's not an excuse
It's just how it is
Sometimes the wrong
Don't know that they're wrong
Sometimes the strong
Can't always be strong
Sometimes a girl
Is gon' be a girl
She don't wanna deal with all the drama in your world
God knows I don't mean to give it to you
So girl I'm sorry for the stupid things I wish I didn't do but I do

Sometimes the fool doesn't know he's a fool
Sometimes a dog he don't know he's a dog
Sometimes I do stupid things to you
When I really didn't mean it at all, at all

Sometimes a man
Is gon' be a man
It's not an excuse
It's just how it is
Sometimes the wrong
Don't know that they're wrong
Sometimes the strong
Ain't always so strong
Sometimes a girl
Is gon' be a girl
She don't wanna deal with all the drama in your world
God knows I don't mean to give it to you
So girl I'm sorry for the stupid things I wish I didn't do but I do

***************************************************

and then, sway to this.

I'll take care of you
Don't be sad, don't be blue
'Cause I'll never break your heart in two
'Cause I'll take care of you

I'll kiss your tears away
I'll end your lonely days
All that I'm really trying to say
Is I'll take care of you

I want you to know
That I love you so
I'm proud to tell the world you're mine
I've said it before,
I'll say it once more,
You'll be in my heart 'till the end of time

I'll take care of you,
Don't be sad, don't be blue
Just count on me your whole life through
And I'll take care of you


And I'll take care,
I'll take care of you..

make-up

i know i haven't been writing about you. and i know that you curse me for that.

i know i have been too much of the opposite poles--too shy and too proud into shouting that you are the one.

i know i haven't been perfect-- certainly not the girl who could wear white and not spill on it.

i know you found phrases that seemed too familiar. and faces you would trade the world for to just not catch a glimpse.

i know what i have broken.

your heart.

but even if you caught how my past was at the most unlikely time, i vow that from today my speech will be of the present.

of now.

of us.

they may have lurked here for too long but too long is over.

this time, this shall be your domain.

they may have once had my words, but you have them for a lifetime.

even if my pen fails you, know that my heart never will.