Dearest ABCs,

disclaimer: this isn’t about having regrets. this isn’t about wanting to go back. this is about taking advantage of the experiences, reliving the stories for bashful seconds, and squeezing the juice.it may still sound juicy. but this is truly about moving on.  


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I see you. I see her. Then I remember just about everything of the old times: the touch, the scent, the sensation of you. I wanted to linger for a while but then I take a step back and realize that we’ve used up our chances. You’ve used up all of yours. And I had to stop hurting and losing myself, all at the same time, over and over again. 

I had to breathe. 

*****************************************I don’t care what you think about me. I don’t think about you at all.
***************************************** 
i.I hope you’re together because of love and not for mere excuses a child can offer. I know he’s better of the man now than he was when I knew him. for the first time in his life, he is standing up for the family he brought alive. And I hope he continues to be better and stand up for you, no matter the cost.ii.
You were cactus, I was rain. you = needed me, and i, =  you. longed for. needed. wanted. desired.

I was enthralled with your charm and you, painstakingly trailed with my words and the world i created with them. 

Looking back, I knew you just made the right thing. You stood up for family. How was i to contest that? How could i contest that I was reduced to mere online messengers, accidental meetings of the eye and nothing less? Nothing less of what we used to have? What we used to believe that we had?

Eventually, we landed to our own guillotine.

Was it known from the start, forecasted, or simply a fact we refused to concede in, I can no longer remember. 


*end*

there and not there

11.14.09

I am not who I once was, because we aren't who we once were.

cheers

to going on and breathing again.
=)

?

sometimes it feels like you are an idea my mind just had the control to freeze. and by the time my logic lands on such warm surface, you pop out right in front of me
and i
suddenly do not know what to do.

240 months

my pre-birthday syndrome consists of recalling the year that has passed, the memories, and the events prior to the even bigger ones.
all along, there was the constant tag of nostalgia. it was something i cannot get rid of, something i cannot set aside.there is the rush of sadness and euphoria. rolled into each other at intervals and sometimes both at the same time. normally, i would have screamed but i chose to silently play along its thread.

i expected the day to be plain, flat, simple. the way all my days have been since then. i never got myself to think of surprises, or of people coming over at the last minute, nor of the numerous online greetings. i never planned plans.
but to my disbelief, all the thinking fell flat on my face.
at 8am,
i woke up and my world was singing a beautiful birthday cake.

at noon,
it were all pork bellies, fried cheese, kalamares, panama, raspberry, brian's ribs and vera's rice.

at dinner,
it was celebrated exactly on a moon where it all had began.

at exactly 12mn,
i ended up my kindof 27 with 2 of the bestest people in the world.

ten-twennie seven was a surprise i can never get over with..
i may not get everything i want.

but for now, i know i have everything i need.

this for now

it was some kind of wonder that in the middle of everything, i found myself laughing one August night. everyone rhymed with the laughter. and i, found synchrony in every word i spoke. minutes after it, the feeling was all brand new. it felt like i was the right person, in the right place. the happiness was an all too familiar feeling-- something i have had before. and something i havent brought back for such a long time.
what transpired in that long time was the refusal to feel happy. because to feel happy, much less to smile, felt like betrayal. of how we were. of us. it will be a fraud when i say that i do not feel anything now anymore. the hatred. the mistrust. and all the sadness. the time between us ended with words said too quickly. i never had a voice in it, anyway. so there will always be that certain amount of shock associated with you, no matter what the circumstances.
perhaps, jude meant the truth when she said over La Marean pizza that i will be fine.
but still, after all the happiness felt-- it is surprising that i get cut at the middle of my paragraphs and stop.

Do you ever wonder? I mean, about us. What happened? It was almost as if our relationship was a piece of paper—crumpled up and thrown away. Forgotten. What might have happened if we didn`t crumple it up and throw it away? Maybe we would still be together. Maybe not. Or maybe secretly we haven’t thrown it away yet. We’re saving it cause we’re hoping maybe someday we can pull it out of our pockets and rekindle what we once had. Or maybe it`s not even that we want it back. Maybe it`s just that we don`t want to lose what we had, but at the same time, we already know it`s lost;. I wonder that a lot, and I wonder if you wonder sometimes, too.

but then,
you are the childhood-- something i once had, and never expect to have again.

and even up to this day, it is you that still look for every morning. and the one i whisper goodnight to before i tuck myself.
even up to now, you are still the person i would want to try and fail with. how do i fill in emptiness, the hole you were supposed to be? the part of me that was lost when you left is screaming at me. it knows i could never have her back.

i would have wanted to tell you that despite this hell, it will still be your hands id search for at the end of the day.
i would have wanted to tell you that even with the tears, it will still be your jokes id want to laugh about.
that even if you sometimes fail to

you made me believe that i was worth fighting for
but
at the same time you made me feel that i was not worthy of being held on to.