ms. marshmallow

i never knew how love felt nor what that word really means... not until my first love (and all the others). since then, i knew i had the conviction of a marshmallow when it comes to matters of the heart. sometimes, i opt to be silent than to tell everyone how my emotionally battered world goes 'round. taking silence on a duel leaves me crushed... shattered into pieces. and what's worse is when i struggle to pick up the pieces they spell your name.

words take their refuge on paper but even my words get tired and lonesome. even the strictest letter of every single piece i write seem to weep with me. i feel like the only wall between you and the dreams you could have achieved. i feel like painfully running through your fingers, like a broken record still aching for a replay. i feel like i can never stand between you and the better things. i have tarnished my insides with all curses... tainted it with personal vandals. i can go and hate myself to the brim but god, i can never bring myself to hate you. sucks.

if my love isn't enough to make you stay, if my damn best isn't enough to make 'us' last, if my sorry's aren't enugh to bring you to forgiveness, if my tears aren't enough to bring you back... then i dont know what will ever be. if being miserable is being happy then for all reasons i wanna be miserable with you.

pathetic me. i found my only refuge in the pillows i got to hug and stained my river-like tears on. found peace of brain nerves through one dose of flanax forte. found inner numbness through the 5-hour sleep i was never deprived of. but you know, no matter how many pillows i surround myself with, how many doses of flanax i take in, nor how matter hours of sleep i indulge upon... it will never ease the pain-- i will always wake up to the horror of being incomplete and hollow. Yet maybe if my heart stops beatin', it wouldn't hurt so much.

it was christmas day.
my unmerry christmas day.