let me hear the words

dear d**,

i am writing this not to bitch about the past but to let you know that i miss you. because it is in this time when i feel like i'm no good and can't do anything right that i remember you. i remember you and how much you believed in your girl. i remember us and the petty fights we had just because i remained unfaithful to me. i remember you and how you used to say "pwede for once, mu believe ka sa imung self?".. and how i get silent but cry at the other end of the line.

now i am going through the same, sad, old drill. except that it's not your voice i hear. and lifting the phone only to listen to such an uncomforting dial tone is the least thing i'd do. but it doesn't take much guts to confess that i need you right now. more than ever. i need you for a replay. for you to say that you still believed in me after all these years.

i loved you. more so when you showed me off to your friends. and each time you wrap me in your arms to save me from too much drama. like a prince fighting for a kingdom with his princess in it. and like how daddies use to hug their little girls.

i hated you for causing me angina pectorises and heart strokes since sophomore years. more so when you sought for better pastures in the arms of another. but whenever i hated you, i stab myself twice. yet god must have known my only yearning.

you came back. and i took you in again. but our worlds were too different. our symphonies too harmonious they couldn't blend. and the love notes we used to dedicate to each other weren't meant to be sung anymore. already non-existent.

and even in memory, you still manage to reimplant the same intensity of pain on this night. after so many years of calling it quits, my mind reruns itself to everything. to us. acting in constant force against the pleas of my heart not to.

we have long buried the past and reopening the casket would weave another story. would mean another thing. i am happy for you... and your girl. i feel happy that at last you stick to only one. she must be that great... coz she makes you hold on for too long. counting years never seemed to be part of your vocabulary back then in highschool. although i am certainly uncertain that you have abandoned your polygamous nature for good.

it's been 4 years since you took my ♥ by storm... but since that august night, i have never been the same. never will be.

i miss you, by.
i need you.

and just so you know, i loved you the most.

----
he'll be unable to read this. i just needed to vent out.