for the whole time last night, i didnt know what to call ours. or if there was still something we rightfully owned. the truth is, everything has been laid out. and there is nothing we hold private between us anymore. i did not know how to go on, nor how to say what i wanted to say. i cannot even finish my sentences.
last night was the first time i refused your hands, your scent, you. last night was the first time i wanted to be distant yet still carried on a careful pace to make sure you were there, following. it was the first time i didnt want to be comforted because i knew i'd cry more. and i didnt want to show you that i did nor tell you how nervous i became when you broke the statement "let's go there. i have something to say." i do not know if i had just unlearned the art of hiding emotions through smiles and jokes along the avenue we had to walk, or if you just knew me too well to sense that i was. it was the very time i wanted to heal my pain and put everything else first, before you. it was the first time i was shattered because the world we once had unto ourselves and the bond i knew was just between us, isnt ours anymore.
my face may have lapsed in showing what i had within but only because my heart was the one who felt too much. it wanted to be numb giving you the impression that it was stronger, this time. i didnt want to scamper, make a scene and put you to shame. because i knew you were feeling too much, too. when you began talking, i wanted you to just skip the intro and jump directly to the details. when you justified yourself, i hated hearing that you were sorry for being weak. because i knew you are not. you never were. and what good is justification when the damage has been done.
for reasons hard to set forth, everything i held within me last night suddenly came from too much to nothing at all the moment i saw you letting it all out. i was sorry for not being able to nurse you through your pain as i always did in the past. i was sorry for not being there.
i still do not know how to look at myself. i am even uncertain if there is still something left to look at. it feels that everytime i pass by, people talk behind my back no matter how much i trust in the belief that they would defy anything that is passed on to their ears. because they want to. because nothing is stopping them. and because we are together.
but this i have to tell you. again.
i may not know how to face the passing days but just be there and i will be fine. i may not know what to do, but i am still here. because i have chosen to stay. and i haven't, in any way, lessened the grip that i have to the rope that ties us together.
last night was the first time i refused your hands, your scent, you. last night was the first time i wanted to be distant yet still carried on a careful pace to make sure you were there, following. it was the first time i didnt want to be comforted because i knew i'd cry more. and i didnt want to show you that i did nor tell you how nervous i became when you broke the statement "let's go there. i have something to say." i do not know if i had just unlearned the art of hiding emotions through smiles and jokes along the avenue we had to walk, or if you just knew me too well to sense that i was. it was the very time i wanted to heal my pain and put everything else first, before you. it was the first time i was shattered because the world we once had unto ourselves and the bond i knew was just between us, isnt ours anymore.
my face may have lapsed in showing what i had within but only because my heart was the one who felt too much. it wanted to be numb giving you the impression that it was stronger, this time. i didnt want to scamper, make a scene and put you to shame. because i knew you were feeling too much, too. when you began talking, i wanted you to just skip the intro and jump directly to the details. when you justified yourself, i hated hearing that you were sorry for being weak. because i knew you are not. you never were. and what good is justification when the damage has been done.
for reasons hard to set forth, everything i held within me last night suddenly came from too much to nothing at all the moment i saw you letting it all out. i was sorry for not being able to nurse you through your pain as i always did in the past. i was sorry for not being there.
i still do not know how to look at myself. i am even uncertain if there is still something left to look at. it feels that everytime i pass by, people talk behind my back no matter how much i trust in the belief that they would defy anything that is passed on to their ears. because they want to. because nothing is stopping them. and because we are together.
but this i have to tell you. again.
i may not know how to face the passing days but just be there and i will be fine. i may not know what to do, but i am still here. because i have chosen to stay. and i haven't, in any way, lessened the grip that i have to the rope that ties us together.
1 comment:
i was hurt and down so i vented.
--author.
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