love casualty

i loved him with an admiration that made me feel incomplete yet never wanting to let go for i knew i was complete with him. i loved him with a fierce embrace that made me feel strong and wise and maternal. i loved him with a desperation that made me feel helpless, fragile and under his control. i loved him...


i never asked for too much. i only needed him to carry my pain just because it was too much for me to bear. i only needed him to hear my pleas, those silent screams of desperation, just because i wanted to keep our boat afloat. i only needed him to let down his guard just because i can't contain my own anymore. i needed him to be strong enough not to let me go. i needed him to grow-up, to be a man... even for the least chances. but for the least of all chances, he left me hanging. he wasn't there. he never was.

i loved him. and he loved me... but only less. period.


this could have been posted several months ago but i haven't really had the courage to publicly announce what should be kept private. or so i thought. but duh!! as if the total world population reads my blog.
haha.

no fuss, i never finished writing this anyway. needless to say, the bastard wouldn't care.


i am totally aware that i should have opted the choice of not posting this. but why suppress the only thing that could free me?ü

F.R.I.E.N.D.S: my ultimate antidotes for cupid's attack

part1

aligning the planets in such a fashion can never make me quit my friends.


Y MOMMI Y
**she's excellent at bein one (i could give her an ulirang ina award)

**the 'buhakhak' laughter + heavy drama = perfect insanity.

**actually, i could only reach the mistress thru her sanctuary... her blog.

**we may be at other ends but the fact that i have a mommi who's f.a.t is comforting...

**mind you, she's only 16. teenage mom at her best.

Y ORLEE Y

**he's starbucks' ever first callboy

** nd im the 1st hooker. lol

**patiently handles the emotional yoyo that i am...

**cant stand heavy drama, though

**but could still manage to call me up at like 1am for shittingly urgent matters...

**was on the other end of the line when cupid made me his personal joke. or shall i say, his entire comedic routine.

**listened when all i could utter were "huhuhu's" and "at*i kaau xa.."

Y EM and NAM Y

**you were there thru it all. i guess i have thanked you enuf.ü

**nam> thank u for being my YM refuge. miss you so..

Y JAAN Y

** she's my double dose of optimism

** carries the torch of hope. (while i carry that of despair.. )

**but hers is more contagious. infectious, even.

Y GILEA Y

**reminds me that love isn't the only thing the world revolves upon

**there's music. there's MCR. the fact that ray likes to kill gerard. our secretary rituals.

**and yah, there's chicosci -- the band we love to hate. hahaha

Y DIT2 Y

**you proved yourself to be more courageous than i am

(gurl u so have the guts!)

**ur just 1 ride away from my place rbuh, m.shock lang niya kag kalit. bantai2!

**u see right thru me nd i love you for it.

Y CHARLES Y

**and for the first time you weren't blaming me for choosing mr.simang. u dfinitely saved me from hell, dude. thanx!

**jan 13-2007' 20:43: it's not wrong to give it all when you love... it's not wrong to love a person so much.. sometimes, the only wrong thing is.. the person we love.. that just struck me..

Y C friends (richa, stella, jv, karen, carmela, mav) Y
**the curses helped a lot!! hahaha.. do some more cursing..

**dun wori.. il slap them to his face the next time. hahaha

**but seriously, thanks for helping me pull it through the many weeks of torment and confusion and sorrow and insensitivity and all those blah blah's i defnitely had drowned myself into.

Y O U A R E T H E P E O P L E B E H I N D M Y S A N I T Y.

if i could only say 'thank you' in different tongues, i will.

but i am no rizal.

AND this is what i know.

thank you.

shishe.

daghang salamat.

maraming salamat.

part 2
i hate bein' friends with truth.
because being and living with it would just leave me bent and broken--

for the worst mold..
vulnerable.
defenseless.
what else?
afraid that i may lose my soul in the process.
living a dead life.

ironically, i guess i'd better stop being such a chicken.

you know, confront reality face to face...

see it as it is...

and deal with all the torture it has to offer me.

all that drill.

and i'd stop being an idiot.


i don't know where i'd be if it weren't for these people...
as charles' would have it... "naa sa daplin sa dan, nabuang sa gugma."
oh fuck cupid.

part 3

"i love you"

these words are buried in communion by the same hearts that conceived and brought them to life.