make-up

i know i haven't been writing about you. and i know that you curse me for that.

i know i have been too much of the opposite poles--too shy and too proud into shouting that you are the one.

i know i haven't been perfect-- certainly not the girl who could wear white and not spill on it.

i know you found phrases that seemed too familiar. and faces you would trade the world for to just not catch a glimpse.

i know what i have broken.

your heart.

but even if you caught how my past was at the most unlikely time, i vow that from today my speech will be of the present.

of now.

of us.

they may have lurked here for too long but too long is over.

this time, this shall be your domain.

they may have once had my words, but you have them for a lifetime.

even if my pen fails you, know that my heart never will.

there.

it has all been too painful.


i need to speak out.

here's to start the day

sala scene:

things weren't smooth when he came in for lit.
he made me go home.
i went to church for ash wednesday purposes alone.
i walked under the rain alone.
i wasn't receiving any news. i was probably going to spend the night alone.
and just when i thought things weren't going to be okay when i close my eyes tonight, a text came.


26-Feb-2009
00:27:34




it read:
"Naa ko gawas n.u blay.last lod nlng ni. :-)"

gate scece:

boyfriend: mcdo delivery.
girlfriend: *SHOCKED.
boyfriend: dli rako magdugay. n.ari ra ko to say sorry. sorry kay wala ko sa mood ganina. and i love you.
girlfriend: umm. ummm. :) :) :)

my words failed me but my heart was suddenly out of control.
he never fails :)


after minutes, these were the ones left.



you're shittingly and addictively sweet.


i love you, my own and 'self-preserved' mcdo delivery man.
:)

resurrect

dear blog,
i have abandoned you for exactly 5 months and 2days now.
i left you because you dwelled so much of the past.
you were so full of someone i assumed i was with. your words, your speech paralleled him as if he were a god. and even with those months of not writing, even with the silence, it was obvious of whom you beated for.

but what niel has to know is that you were the only one holding on as i walked away. it was not me who felt for james, neither my heart. it was you.
i was ready to completely forget when you pull me in again by being mute.
and because i was afraid too of losing my soul, i wrote until there was nothing to write. there was nothing to write because the feelings have dried. there was nothing to write because even from the start, there was never us.

what niel has to know is that whatever were posted here before he came, do not hold true for the present anymore. my heart had long enough flew from the vice and has find its home in him. he needs to know that i never had something real until i had him.

he needs to know that i love him.

and due to constantly hopping over tez and raph's accounts, i couldnt help get jealous on how everyone has been upblog-dating.

ergo, the decision to reopen.

new posts.
new start.
new love.


and take note, it's eiffel on the left. id change that look but only if i find a better one to trade over paris.

i was going over bygones,

when i saw this. and i am remembered of how i persistently stalkED you-- hopping over accounts for bits and pieces of who you were. ogling over those who seemed like you. i have bared my disguise, made things too obvious but nonetheless, i didn't care. i didn't care as long as i get what i wanted. and for a twist of luck (a.k.a divine intervention for my diligence), gaps were overturned, bridges were built and walls molded from being permeable to non-existent. i wasn't your stalker anymore. i never had to steal your pictures, while you secretly had to shot every corner of my smile. and i wasn't asking people where you were or what you were doing because i was one of those who knew first. and i never had to ask if you were fine because i knew it when you weren't.

it was transparent. we were.
but we also knew how to be discreet. in that way your clamor with other women would continue. and i would just continue life with one person, with you, much of an addition to it.
it was easier that way. an excitement our egos loved too much to forego. and for whatever is in the present, whether things are back to square 1 or not at all, i can manage.
everyone gets what they want. if only they knew the ways to get it.

i was going over my archives,

when i saw this.

and i am remembered of how i persistently stalkED you-- hopping over accounts for bits and pieces of who you were. ogling over those who seemed like you. i have bared my disguise, made things too obvious but nonetheless, i didn't care. i didn't care as long as i get what i wanted. and for a twist of luck (a.k.a divine intervention for my diligence), gaps were overturned, bridges were built and walls molded from being permeable to non-existent. i wasn't your stalker anymore. i never had to steal your pictures, while you secretly had to shot every corner of my smile. and i wasn't asking people where you were or what you were doing because i was one of those who knew first. and i never had to ask if you were fine because i knew it when you weren't.

it was transparent. we were.
but we also knew how to be discreet. in that way your clamor with other women would continue. and i would just continue life with one person, with you, much of an addition to it.
it was easier that way. an excitement our egos loved too much to forego. and for whatever is in the present, whether things are back to square 1 or not at all, i can manage.
everyone gets what they want. if only they knew the ways to get it.

smile.
it confuses the brain.ü

LETTERS from the deathbed

and though i have kissed your lips even before i held your hands, nothing will ever be different. everything--intact and remembered-- you and me, a world unto ourselves.
(letters to her, part I)

i can neither sing the melody of forgetting nor hum in the silence of bygones. because you linger. persistently. and i, as i always do, remember you up to every single piece.
(letters to him, a ricochet, part I)

NOTES FROM MY DEATHBED

07.04.08
varicella caught me. see now, i have pox. the ride way home was tension-filled.
mom's 1 liner never got past through it. and dad just stared.
words seemingly died out from everyone.
i broke in tears.

07.05.08
there were too many emotions, even those i never expected.
a night wouldnt be enough to unload excess baggage.
there was just too much to feel.

07.06.08
--out of words--

07.07.08
these are the times when you really wont worry about how much
time has slipped or passed you by and how much
of it you spent wisely.

these are the times when you remember only ONE
significant memory.
the memory of my long time french guy with his
ever desperate housewife.
t&e blowing candles and cakes for sailing
1 year as a couple.

"kimi, get well soon okiez?
we miss you na."
love lots,
mai2 and lai2.
(my santa elves, thanks for the early xmas.)

07.09.08
3:44 pm
these are the times when i'd have to drag myself and curl on
the floor as the room temp rises as high as 38C. so
high that a trip to the cr would be vain.
and now, i lay between margins with this
tissue paper resting on a line that separates me from
what's sterile and what's not. with my lips
half an inch away from kissing the floor.
and my corpse
pulled and pushed halfway by the air i have too much of but
do not want and by another air, the one felt only through
the vision swag of leaves, the one i have so little of
and feel so little of.. but still chase.

so i think of being under the sheets inside this oveen.
but
with no more stories to write on what was and on they who
choose to remain dormant between pillows and their cases,
i end these right-handed strokes with a period.
and though i am scarred by the lapse,
i have no choice but to rest my pen.
and call it a d-a-y.


07.10.08
6 days alone in a room. without the slightest connection
to the world.
6 days. and counting.

rnb

it hurts when two people have battled it for the world, hanged on to each other but eventually had to give up.
it hurts when you have become witnesses of how their love has shifted and matured.

they knew how to tie shoelaces by themselves but chose to do such for the other.
they knew how cruel reality could get but they held on. each one was each other's strength.
they knew how strong the forces were in drifting them apart still, they chose to fight with whatever that's left for them.

but as people, someone had loosen grip. someone had been away while one was trying to fight it sword by sword.

and though it may not be too evident here, for it has known that my words fail some, it is just so sad that the love i had witnessed to have made it all through was the same love i had to see falling apart.

it hurts to see love end because yours was more than just a love story.