...

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood

--pablo neruda

**********************************

because when it is about you, the end and the start are too hard to accomplish.
as together, they are one.


when it is about you, my pen comes short.
my words are weaker in comparison to my heart.
as even if the only job is to improve a canvass, you are too abstract to work upon.

and i concede to defeat first because i do not want to under-word you.

***********************************************

you know that i have asked about this, and i have it now.
my words couldn't be grateful enough.
that for all things life could have turned to be,
love turned you to me.
----random

****************************************

i love you.
because i know no other way.

happy 5th.

anthem/s

this is probably the most sincere song guys could sing to their girls:
(i loved this the moment i heard it. and yes, even if it makes me cry. [at times] )


Sometimes we wish for the better
When we have it good as it gets
Sometimes the grass isn't greener
Sometimes we find out we forget
Sometimes the fool doesn't know he's a fool
Sometimes a dog he don't know he's a dog
Sometimes I do stupid things to you
When I really don't mean it all

Sometimes a man
Is gon' be a man
It's not an excuse
It's just how it is
Sometimes the wrong
Don't know that they're wrong
Sometimes the strong
Ain't always so strong
Sometimes a girl
Is gon' be a girl
She don't wanna deal with all the drama in your world
God knows I don't mean to give it to you
So girl I'm sorry for the stupid things I wish I didn't do but I do
Oh so sorry, oh no, oh so sorry

Sometimes I wish I was smarter
Wish I was a bit more like you
Not making stupid decisions made at the last minute
You live to regret when it's through

Well, sometimes the fool doesn't know he's a fool
And sometimes a dog he don't know he's a dog
Sometimes I do stupid things to you
When I really didn't mean it all

Sometimes a man
Is gon' be a man
It's not an excuse
It's just how it is
Sometimes the wrong
Don't know that they're wrong
Sometimes the strong
Can't always be strong
Sometimes a girl
Is gon' be a girl
She don't wanna deal with all the drama in your world
God knows I don't mean to give it to you
So girl I'm sorry for the stupid things I wish I didn't do but I do

Sometimes the fool doesn't know he's a fool
Sometimes a dog he don't know he's a dog
Sometimes I do stupid things to you
When I really didn't mean it at all, at all

Sometimes a man
Is gon' be a man
It's not an excuse
It's just how it is
Sometimes the wrong
Don't know that they're wrong
Sometimes the strong
Ain't always so strong
Sometimes a girl
Is gon' be a girl
She don't wanna deal with all the drama in your world
God knows I don't mean to give it to you
So girl I'm sorry for the stupid things I wish I didn't do but I do

***************************************************

and then, sway to this.

I'll take care of you
Don't be sad, don't be blue
'Cause I'll never break your heart in two
'Cause I'll take care of you

I'll kiss your tears away
I'll end your lonely days
All that I'm really trying to say
Is I'll take care of you

I want you to know
That I love you so
I'm proud to tell the world you're mine
I've said it before,
I'll say it once more,
You'll be in my heart 'till the end of time

I'll take care of you,
Don't be sad, don't be blue
Just count on me your whole life through
And I'll take care of you


And I'll take care,
I'll take care of you..

make-up

i know i haven't been writing about you. and i know that you curse me for that.

i know i have been too much of the opposite poles--too shy and too proud into shouting that you are the one.

i know i haven't been perfect-- certainly not the girl who could wear white and not spill on it.

i know you found phrases that seemed too familiar. and faces you would trade the world for to just not catch a glimpse.

i know what i have broken.

your heart.

but even if you caught how my past was at the most unlikely time, i vow that from today my speech will be of the present.

of now.

of us.

they may have lurked here for too long but too long is over.

this time, this shall be your domain.

they may have once had my words, but you have them for a lifetime.

even if my pen fails you, know that my heart never will.

there.

it has all been too painful.


i need to speak out.

here's to start the day

sala scene:

things weren't smooth when he came in for lit.
he made me go home.
i went to church for ash wednesday purposes alone.
i walked under the rain alone.
i wasn't receiving any news. i was probably going to spend the night alone.
and just when i thought things weren't going to be okay when i close my eyes tonight, a text came.


26-Feb-2009
00:27:34




it read:
"Naa ko gawas n.u blay.last lod nlng ni. :-)"

gate scece:

boyfriend: mcdo delivery.
girlfriend: *SHOCKED.
boyfriend: dli rako magdugay. n.ari ra ko to say sorry. sorry kay wala ko sa mood ganina. and i love you.
girlfriend: umm. ummm. :) :) :)

my words failed me but my heart was suddenly out of control.
he never fails :)


after minutes, these were the ones left.



you're shittingly and addictively sweet.


i love you, my own and 'self-preserved' mcdo delivery man.
:)

resurrect

dear blog,
i have abandoned you for exactly 5 months and 2days now.
i left you because you dwelled so much of the past.
you were so full of someone i assumed i was with. your words, your speech paralleled him as if he were a god. and even with those months of not writing, even with the silence, it was obvious of whom you beated for.

but what niel has to know is that you were the only one holding on as i walked away. it was not me who felt for james, neither my heart. it was you.
i was ready to completely forget when you pull me in again by being mute.
and because i was afraid too of losing my soul, i wrote until there was nothing to write. there was nothing to write because the feelings have dried. there was nothing to write because even from the start, there was never us.

what niel has to know is that whatever were posted here before he came, do not hold true for the present anymore. my heart had long enough flew from the vice and has find its home in him. he needs to know that i never had something real until i had him.

he needs to know that i love him.

and due to constantly hopping over tez and raph's accounts, i couldnt help get jealous on how everyone has been upblog-dating.

ergo, the decision to reopen.

new posts.
new start.
new love.


and take note, it's eiffel on the left. id change that look but only if i find a better one to trade over paris.

i was going over bygones,

when i saw this. and i am remembered of how i persistently stalkED you-- hopping over accounts for bits and pieces of who you were. ogling over those who seemed like you. i have bared my disguise, made things too obvious but nonetheless, i didn't care. i didn't care as long as i get what i wanted. and for a twist of luck (a.k.a divine intervention for my diligence), gaps were overturned, bridges were built and walls molded from being permeable to non-existent. i wasn't your stalker anymore. i never had to steal your pictures, while you secretly had to shot every corner of my smile. and i wasn't asking people where you were or what you were doing because i was one of those who knew first. and i never had to ask if you were fine because i knew it when you weren't.

it was transparent. we were.
but we also knew how to be discreet. in that way your clamor with other women would continue. and i would just continue life with one person, with you, much of an addition to it.
it was easier that way. an excitement our egos loved too much to forego. and for whatever is in the present, whether things are back to square 1 or not at all, i can manage.
everyone gets what they want. if only they knew the ways to get it.

i was going over my archives,

when i saw this.

and i am remembered of how i persistently stalkED you-- hopping over accounts for bits and pieces of who you were. ogling over those who seemed like you. i have bared my disguise, made things too obvious but nonetheless, i didn't care. i didn't care as long as i get what i wanted. and for a twist of luck (a.k.a divine intervention for my diligence), gaps were overturned, bridges were built and walls molded from being permeable to non-existent. i wasn't your stalker anymore. i never had to steal your pictures, while you secretly had to shot every corner of my smile. and i wasn't asking people where you were or what you were doing because i was one of those who knew first. and i never had to ask if you were fine because i knew it when you weren't.

it was transparent. we were.
but we also knew how to be discreet. in that way your clamor with other women would continue. and i would just continue life with one person, with you, much of an addition to it.
it was easier that way. an excitement our egos loved too much to forego. and for whatever is in the present, whether things are back to square 1 or not at all, i can manage.
everyone gets what they want. if only they knew the ways to get it.

smile.
it confuses the brain.ü

LETTERS from the deathbed

and though i have kissed your lips even before i held your hands, nothing will ever be different. everything--intact and remembered-- you and me, a world unto ourselves.
(letters to her, part I)

i can neither sing the melody of forgetting nor hum in the silence of bygones. because you linger. persistently. and i, as i always do, remember you up to every single piece.
(letters to him, a ricochet, part I)