Words and Meanings

"It is not that the meaning cannot be explained. But there are certain meanings that are lost forever the moment they are explained in words." -Haruki Murakami, 1Q84

Finally an author who, in my behalf, spoke her way through all my mutedness.

Depth and length are two very different things.

Hello there

This is how you lose her. 

You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger's voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from where she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely. 

You must remember when she forgets.

You lose her when you don't notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you're about to ask a question but you think anything you're about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don't even know about yourself, because she pays attention.

She remembers when you forget. 

You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable, she wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you are fleeting, she wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate, she wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good. 

You must learn her. 

You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to let go.

You must love her because many have tried and failed.

 And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept. 

And, this is how you keep her. 

Dangerous Territory

In the words of Bradshaw, this is a "ridiculous, too-consuming, can't-live-without-you" love affair. And I want that. I want all of it. 

God, you are such dangerous territory.

The amount of hold that you have on me? Much of that I cannot quantify. 

As deep as it gets.

Perhaps if you had been with me through my worst then you will understand all the refusal.

We'd love each other too much our selves would be consumed. When you left, I did not only lose the only man I held on to and believed in, I also lost myself. And I can't, I just cannot, let that happen again. God knows how struggling it was to get me through another day. But if there was anything you taught me, then it was to love myself more than anyone else. And that is exactly what I am doing now. I am standing up for my choices because finally, I have realized my worth.

It puzzles me how we wonderfully start it off every time yet at the last minute lose it altogether.  Can it not continue to be wonderful and void of the past just for a night? Can we not find reasons on why we lost what we lost and five years back, find ourselves with each other again?

We all know where this would lead us. So maybe this is the way it has to be.
Just You. Me. And This.

Due

i. We are two pieces of different puzzles. Any other way, we wouldn't fit.

ii. Gah. The lengths I go through to convince myself not to get to you.

iii. Let's put periods where periods should be.

Please. Come. Home. Please.

Half

Half of my heart's got a grip on the situationHalf of my heart takes timeHalf of my heart's got a right mind To tell you that I can't keep loving you.
Half of my heart's got a real good imaginationHalf of my heart's got youHalf of my heart's got a right mind to tell youThat half of my heart won't do
 - John Mayer

Dearest ABCs,

disclaimer: this isn’t about having regrets. this isn’t about wanting to go back. this is about taking advantage of the experiences, reliving the stories for bashful seconds, and squeezing the juice.it may still sound juicy. but this is truly about moving on.  


****************************************************


I see you. I see her. Then I remember just about everything of the old times: the touch, the scent, the sensation of you. I wanted to linger for a while but then I take a step back and realize that we’ve used up our chances. You’ve used up all of yours. And I had to stop hurting and losing myself, all at the same time, over and over again. 

I had to breathe. 

*****************************************I don’t care what you think about me. I don’t think about you at all.
***************************************** 
i.I hope you’re together because of love and not for mere excuses a child can offer. I know he’s better of the man now than he was when I knew him. for the first time in his life, he is standing up for the family he brought alive. And I hope he continues to be better and stand up for you, no matter the cost.ii.
You were cactus, I was rain. you = needed me, and i, =  you. longed for. needed. wanted. desired.

I was enthralled with your charm and you, painstakingly trailed with my words and the world i created with them. 

Looking back, I knew you just made the right thing. You stood up for family. How was i to contest that? How could i contest that I was reduced to mere online messengers, accidental meetings of the eye and nothing less? Nothing less of what we used to have? What we used to believe that we had?

Eventually, we landed to our own guillotine.

Was it known from the start, forecasted, or simply a fact we refused to concede in, I can no longer remember. 


*end*

there and not there

11.14.09