losing him, loving me...

I find myself looking at my dull, plain reflection for about the nth time. Endlessly hoping for an eternity, I looked at it again. And again. And again. The shell ornamented bathroom mirror only reflected pain. He stood me up again. No excuses, no apologies, no alibis, no lies…nothing. I cupped my hands into my face as tears that seemed endless like a river came down streaming. Feelings of anguish took over me. The once “responsible” type of girl seemed to vanish in thin air. Thoughts of gloom filled my head. Once sensitive, now, numb. I am not myself anymore and I know it. But how can I alter such fact?

Sadness fills me in as I recall all those times he left me hanging in the dark, left me with no reason at all. All the times he hurt me and made me believe in something that was never there to begin with. He played me along his fingers. And I blamed myself for letting him to. The wounds have gone too far, too deep in hurting me when I realized it was too much.

On the verge of my thoughts, he came up like a phantom, face to face with me. He pleaded for another chance. "Baby, I promise to make it up to you,” he said. Another chance?! His words made my body ache all over. I blankly stared at him. He resembled a Greek god…angelic face, soulful eyes. He is after all my greatest weakness. But I have to be strong, if not for all, at least for myself. Before I knew it, he kissed me... it was long, deep and passionate. I poured all my supressed emotions in that kiss. But reality struck me and, I broke apart from him. I shoved him away. Enough of this. I need to free myself from the lies that captivated me. I need to be free from my chains. If I don’t do it now, I don’t think I’ll ever be strong enough again. The only thing in my mind was that I will never lose in letting go, I will only lose in holding back. So, I forced a smile amidst my tears, stood bluntly, walked away from him, and never looked back.

I knew I still loved him. That love is etched in every inch of me. And questioning if all those good memories would happen again was like falling to a pitfall. The pain of missing him was unbearable as it could ever be. His sense of humor, his aura, his voice, I could never forget. A feeling of nostalgia brushes me every now and then. But then we'll always have 'those good memories'. Carrying these wounds, I ironically realized my freedom. That fact brought me some relief.

Now, as I look in the mirror, I see a different me; my eyes sparkle more brightly, a wider smile and a lighter heart. I may have lost over love but I gained so much more. I am now back to myself…the real me and not anymore the wrecked girl I used to be. I finally learned to love the girl in the mirror, appreciate her beautiful reflection with a smile and for now...

that’s all I need.ü